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My boobalicious profile picture. Hallowe'en.
SBJ is Sir Winston Churchill.
Me? I'm Sir Winston Churchill's mother. |
This week, as you may know from every nursing mother's boobalicious profile picture, is the WHO's
World Breastfeeding Week. I wanted to write something about 'extended' breastfeeding. 'Extended' breastfeeding is any breastfeeding that happens after the normal time for complete weaning. Yeah,
normal, our favorite word here at Mama to Mama. According to
Our Babies, Ourselves
, the worldwide average age for total weaning is just over four years old. So that could be considered normal.
BUT In America, only about 75% of babies are nursed at all, and most of those are weaned by six months. Normal takes a nosedive.
People have all kinds of ideas about what constitutes a good age for weaning: when the child is old enough to ask for it, he's too old to nurse (babies who master Baby Sign Language for 'milk' at the age of five months? They're SOL); when mom goes back to work (ummm… in the USA we don't have maternity leave, some moms go back before their stitches have even healed); and when the infant is ready and willing to eat other food (because breast milk is this crappy not-food, why deprive your kid of the real chicken mcnugget experience?).
From the other (crunchy, placenta-eating dark-) side, some people prefer to call it 'full term' breastfeeding, to reflect the understanding that infants and children evolved to drink it by the tonne. Babies like it. Toddlers find it comforting. It keeps mama around and can even delay the conception of a pesky younger sibling. Most importantly, kids don't have fully developed immune systems until they're about 6 years old—which is, not coincidentally, about the time their 'milk teeth' fall out. Breast milk provides all kinds of immunological benefits, which is why when the nuclear apocalypse comes, and everyone's richitic and diseased (thank you,
Cormac McCarthy
), y'all are going to be lining up just to get a squirt of the milky goodness.
And it's controversial and
Time magazine cover and yadda yadda yadda (more about this later). So I wanted to write something about how moms who breastfeed for years are not the devil incarnate. But our baby isn't quite an extended nurser, yet. He's just a seventeen month-old who loves his 'la-las' more than life itself. Also, I just may be the devil incarnate.
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McBride Park playground, Vancouver.
See the blue elephant with a slide for its trunk?
My dad and I campaigned door-to-door for that.
It was my first, and only, triumph in community activism. |
And then it dawned on me: ME! Me, I was breastfed for a long, long time. My dad says four years at least, my mom says she doesn't remember. I have a vague memory of getting hurt on the McBride park playground and running to my mom to nurse. So I'm going to put it at about 2.5-3.5 years. Following are some of the accusations leveled at parents who do full-term breastfeeding, and my analysis of whether I turned out as bad as they think. The best ones came from here (
http://bethesda.patch.com/articles/poll-is-extended-breastfeeding-a-problem-or-solution).
Objection #1: It leads to spoiled kids
Becky D, RN
4:46 pm on Wednesday, May 16, 2012
...I for one am sick of hearing about extended breastfeeding. It is just what it is, extended past what is recommended. Parenting is about setting limits and boundaries. How backwards to let the child decide...Breast milk is for babies. NOT children.!
And,
If I relied on my sons to tell me when they were finished breastfeeding, I'd be in real trouble! You can't let an addict decide when it's time to stop! (
Clorissa)
Well. Really.
Am I spoiled? Currently, yes, though I like to think it means something if I know I am. Was I a milk, or any kind of addict as a kid? In a word: no, except that I have always loved sweet milky things. Cheese, yogurt, ice-cream, mascarpone, whipped cream, milk shakes, butter, icing, whole milk… mmmm….
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| What's better than milk? Milk with strawberries! |
In all seriousness, I was such an annoyingly well-behaved kid that it actually cost me friends. As I have told my many therapists many times, I feel like I was born to defer my own pleasure. Case in point: when I was eight years old, we went strawberry picking at one of those you-pick-and-pay-by-the-pound farms. I picked a lot of strawberries. When we all met up at the end of the afternoon, everyone else had red rings around their mouths. I was like, "Wait wait wait—you guys
ate some?!" It hadn't even crossed my mind.
Objections #s 2 and 3: If it's a boy, he's going to be perverted, if it's a girl, she's going to be a lesbian.
My mother also said that my daughter might grow up to prefer women over men b/c she breast fed so long. I dont' see that and I really hope that's not true. (
Kendra)
The perverted part, folks, is 100% true.
And for those who find this concerning, let it be known that I am a married SAHM, in a monogamous relationship with a man, who was born with a penis. In case you thought that was your business or something. Also, what's wrong with lesbians? Nothing, that's what.
Objection #4: It means the mom is perverted.
Karl Schuub
3:47 pm on Friday, May 11, 2012
That woman has issues that have little to do with being a mom. Sorry only a sick freak would nurse a kid that can verbalize they're hungry.
My mom is a lot of things. 'Sick freak' is not one of them.
She is a very nice woman, with a lot of opinions. She's comfortable with her body and has a terribly wholesome view of sexuality (please note: if you're reading this, and you've had sex with my mom, I prefer to remain deluded).
Objections #s 5 and 6: It will cause co-dependency and it's only fulfilling the mother's needs
Ashley
8:29 pm on Friday, May 11, 2012
I have no problem with women breastfeeding babies. Babies are mean't to be breastfed, toddlers are not….I feel like if they continue to breastfeed after the kid is a toddler it's not as much for the benefit of the kid (I actually believe it will cause co-dependency) but more for some sick need the mother needs to fulfill in herself.
It's true that I do love intimate relationships, and I do love my mom. But I also happily spend time alone, like the time I spent three months traveling through Sri Lanka and stayed in noble-silence meditation in an isolated Buddhist nunnery, bitches. As a kid, I walked alone to and from school every day, babysat my sister, and had my first job at age 11.
And fulfilling the mother's needs… What needs might these be? There's a hint of something sexual in this rhetoric ("little to do with being a mom"), but nobody ever really pinpoints it. If there's a "my child nursing me" fetish, I have yet to come across it. Maybe it's more about closeness: mother has a need for physical contact for which she is using her child when she could be using more appropriate sources, like her MAN (who has a penis). I can't answer for my mom, but she seemed pretty happy in the ten years she spent without a significant other. She never seemed starved for affection, and I never felt it was my responsibility to fulfill her. Sometimes men would ask her out and she'd be like, "I dunno… do you play scrabble?"
From my perspective, it's like this: I like cuddling my mom. I wish I could cuddle her more. Maternal touch helps to calm the autonomic nervous system, and decreases the risk of all kinds of chronic health conditions (e.g. those related to stress: eczema, asthma, insomnia, etc.), most of which I had anyway. Plus, I was basically the cutest kid ever. My mother's need to hold me makes perfect sense.
Objection #5: Breastfeeding isn't sexy.
Sean Tully
8:58 pm on Friday, May 11, 2012
Breast feeding really isn't the issue. Time's cover is. As mentioned above, it is exploiting the issue and trying to sex it up. Breast feeding really isn't that sexy.
First, I disagree with this sentiment—in the sense that breastfeeding is beautiful and demonstrates the wonders of the human body, it is sexy. This is not to say that you, Sean Tully, are entitled, simply by virtue of your manhood, to a world full of women (including my mother!) whose only aim in life is to give you a popped fly. And guess what? She totally could. My mom is the hottest sixty-something I know. She could give Yoko Ono a run for her money, she looks that good in a miniskirt.
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| I love this woman so much, I named my son after her. |
Objection #6: It's child abuse.
Get Real
12:15 am on Saturday, May 12, 2012
This is sick and disturbing on so many levels, it is borderline child abuse.
This is really just a variation of earlier accusations, but it's so egregious that it deserves its own column. Fuck off, child abuse?! Get real, Get Real. My mom could have BF'd me until I moved out at eighteen and it never would have come close to any of the crappy, crappy things that can happen to a kid.
As Svea Vikander, I feel that I am the authority on abusive experiences in Svea Vikander's life. Extended breastfeeding? Not one of them.
Objection #7: It's impossible to wean an older child.
Another problem is that it is often very difficult to wean an older child. He understands that your breasts are available – they have been available for as long as he remembers – so why stop now? He does not understand or want to relinquish that special relationship between you and him. Unlike babies, an older child is more verbose and can whine, argue, and negotiate for days and days. Some children can be bribed. For example, he will stop nursing and in exchange you will buy him a substantial toy that he has wanted for a long time. (
http://www.breastfeeding-mom.com/extended-breastfeeding.html)
I don't remember my mom weaning me, and she doesn't either. Obviously, it wasn't too traumatic for either of us. To this day, I await my substantial toy. Whatever that is.
Objection #8: It's going to raise a child who objectifies women.
Yes… I definitely see my mother, and women in general (including myself) as mere objects. Who provide. Milk, optimally. I believe women should just put out (milk) or get out (of the fridge). I am... at a loss here...?
Aside from the fact that my favorite joke is, "How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (answer: That's not funny), I am a REALLY FUCKING SERIOUS FEMINIST. I believe in the value of women's subjectivity, stories, experience and empowerment.
The author of that comment goes on to say,
If its okay to see, touch, and suck mommy's breast, why can't i do the same to other women? And as they get older, why isn't it okay for others to do the same to me? And I know that girl said no, but If she loved me…
This has to be the craziest one yet. It's so full of baseless fears and assumptions about male sexuality, I don't even want to touch it with a ten-foot pole. Which is why I'm going to devote an entire blog post to it someday soon.
Objection #9: There is no nutritional value in breast milk past one year.
I don't really know how to assess the nutritional benefits of my full-term BFing, but I do know that I was a relatively healthy kid. I had shiny hair and strong nails. I did lots of climbing trees and wandering the woods, but I never broke a bone.
There is plenty of nutritional and immunological value in breast milk, which is why those most vulnerable members of our species are hardwired to want it (
newborn babies will literally crawl to find the breast. Newborn babies don't even know how to crawl! Encroyable!). People with autoimmune deficiencies can be found on milk-bank forums, willing to pay good money for this 'liquid gold' (
...white gold). And come on. Do we really have to argue about this one? This is, like, the one thing everybody knows. As my friend Sasha says, "breast is best, and all that jazz."
Objection #10: It will rot your kid's teeth. And/or it will wreck your nipples, because she has teeth. And other things about teeth.
If the kid has teeth it should be eating solid food. This picture is disgusting. (Ashley, above)
People say that extended breastfeeding will magically rot your child's teeth (you know, the ones that are going to fall out anyway), and
Whoopie Goldberg said that she wouldn't nurse her newborn because she was born with a tooth. I got my
one and only semi-cavity (I kind of think the dentist was just trying to sell me some sealant) at the age of 21. I didn't go back to the dentist until my then-fiancé paid for it when I was 25 and the hygienist was all, "Your teeth are great, you make my job so easy," so we just talked about my wedding plans for the rest of the hour.
And about the rest of it? I could be wrong, but as far as I know, my mother's nipples are just fine.
Objection #11: It's bad for the child's social standing.
Donna
10:27 pm on Friday, May 11, 2012
I feel so sorry for this boy. He'll probably run away, dye his hair, and change his name first chance he gets. Can't say I blame him if he does.
Nobody ever made fun of me for being Milktastic Svea or anything like that. They had more obvious targets, like the fact that my mother rode around town on an oversized tricycle.
This is the same argument that's been made against LGBTQ people raising children, and people with physical disabilities raising children, and basically anybody else who doesn't fit the boring norm, and it's bullshit. If you think you can magically do everything right so that your kid never gets made fun of, never gets picked on, never gets left out, you're deluding yourself.
Instead of trying to fit in, try this: think about the society you want to live in. Then act like you're part of it. That's how change happens.
Milktastically yours,
Svea V
