Pregnant and Sexy: Ten Tips

Congratulations! 
You're going to have a baby! 


And you'll never have sex again!




You'll hear this from your guy friends and you'll hear it from your female relatives. You'll hear it from talkshow hosts and maybe even from your healthcare provider. Everybody knows pregnant women are fragile flowers carrying scary alien life-forms within them. They're hormonal and huge and they definitely shouldn't be messed with. Right? 


Wrong!


Pregnant women aren't devoid of sexual feeling. Sometimes they feel like crap, sometimes they  feel like sad, weepy crap; and sometimes they just feel like watching a movie. Often, they need support overcoming our society's history of rigorous desexualization of their bodies. This post is for the the papas-to-be,* a set of suggestions guaranteed to help your pregnant partner feel sexy and sensual at least three times over the next nine months.
*Hetero-normative? Yes. But from what I can tell, this is mostly a hetero-problem.


Pregnant women are powerful, sexual creatures. They are creating life. They are in touch with their own physicality, mortality, and they (usually) had to have sex to get there. Sex during pregnancy can be a really exciting, special thing. Because not only is this a profoundly spiritual, erotic time, increased blood-flow to the nether regions means that it will never again be so easy to give your partner multiple orgasms. And that's nothing to sneeze at (even if you sneeze seven times).


So why do we tell ourselves that sex will ends the minute she pees on a stick? 
Because it's convenient: it's easier to believe that pregnancy puts an end to sex than to reconfigure our idea that pregnant women and mothers are asexual, passive vessels. It's just another manifestation of the classic madonna/whore dichotomy: women are either saintly mother figures with bodies for nurturing – or depraved sluts whose bodies deserve to be violently exploited. My guess is that you didn't see your partner as a worthless sex-object before you knocked her up. So why pigeonhole her as a boring old madonna now that your DNA is proliferating inside her at a rate of 208,000 nucleotides per second?

Mitosis in embryo cells. Yes, this is how it all began.
Copyright © 2001-2002 Centro Riproduzione Assistita (CRA), Catania, Italy.

People used to believe that pregnant sex was bad for the woman, or for the baby, or both. Magazine articles aimed at women who wanted to keep their husbands' attention during this nine month "Pregnancy Pause" recommended that they brush up on their fellatio, cooking skills, and other such bullshit.

But with its strange mix of feminism and consumerism, our society is starting to realize the sensual nature of pregnancy: maternity clothes have moved from mumus with pockets to form-fitting designer dresses; and pregnancy porn (along with everything-else-porn) is available online to those who seek it. Somebody's figured out that pregnant women's bodies can be celebrated (and fetishized and exploited) just like other women's bodies. It's a big change, and it's happening pretty fast. 

Um, I love this dress. It's from Isabelle Oliver and it's kind of expeez.
I wanted to put an American Apparel picture here, since I wore one of their form-fitting dresses through most of my pregnancy, but I looked at their site and it's all...
 mumus with pockets.

It was only two decades ago that a massive controversy swirled around Demi Moore's nude and pregnant Vanity Fair cover – a beautiful photograph by Annie Liebovitz that wouldn't turn many heads today (probably because everybody from Leslie Nielson to Annie Liebovitz herself has copied the image, but I digress).

Despite the money-making possibilities/the fact that gestation is a normal part of life (6 million American women are pregnant per year – that's like L.A. and Chicago populated entirely by pregnant women!), our cultural ideal of female beauty remains fixated on the body of a 14 year-old boy: stick-thin, flat in all areas, and horny as fuck. We see this image every day. Yeah, it might not be what you personally find the most attractive, but it's near impossible for a modern woman to be immune to the kind of social pressure that enforces this ideal, especially when her body has started to deviate from it so strongly. Undergoing change is fraught for the Western female body, as any newly pubescent girl knows. Chances are, there's going to be some time during the pregnancy that your partner feels like a bloated, sexless cow.

So what can you do to make her feel like the gorgeous, sexy goddess she is?


1. Examine your own ideas of beauty. Do you have trouble finding the image of a pregnant woman sexy? Given the societal norms of beauty, this reaction is pretty normal. It doesn't mean you're an asshole and you don't need to feel ashamed about it. But it does mean you might miss out on the most amazing sex of your life. Which you are in charge of. Your life, your body, your mind. You don't need to surrender to somebody else's idea of what is sexy. 

•  Examine the roots of your belief that you need to be with a non-pregnant woman to be aroused. Where do you think it comes from? What does a very thin woman represent in your mind – is she a healthy person who happens to have a certain kind of body, or does your fantasy girl represent status, power, money, weakness, femininity, submission, strength, or something else? Have your sexual preferences always been restricted to one body type, or did something happen to guide your interests this way? If so, when did this conversion happen? Were you in a particularly vulnerable place (i.e. an adolescent boy afraid of rejection)? Do you hold this 'ideal' in your own mind because you imagine that your partner is comparing you to the 'ideal' men of her own imagination? 
• Think back to a time when you had great sex with your partner. I would be surprised if the hotness was a direct result of the way she looked. More likely it was about the chemistry between you two, the connection you felt when she looked in your eyes, your physiological reaction to the sounds she made... All things that haven't really changed and are entirely possible now.
• If you can, talk about it with another man you trust. Though they won't often talk about it, many men find pregnancy inherently lusty. Some describe a certain sense of freedom because, "she's already pregnant, so you don't have to worry about getting her pregnant!" Seems a little silly, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Pregnant Beyoncé. Floating your boat yet?

2. The minute you find out she's pregnant, buy her flowers. Even if she doesn't want to be pregnant. She has been nourishing your offspring with her entire body for X number of days and this is a gift of immense proportions. Let her know that you appreciate it. You'll be surprised how long she remembers this small act of kindness – you might even hear her telling her friends about it. 


3. Get naked. Encourage her to spend as much time with her clothes off as possible. Especially if she's feeling crappy and needs to be home in bed as much as possible, this can be a great way for the two of you to get more comfortable with her changing body. 

• Find out what (if anything) stops her from enjoying being naked. Is it cold in your apartment? Do you need better curtains? Is she uncomfortable with the big hallway mirror? Does she need you to join her? These are easy problems to fix. 
• Realize that, especially in the first trimester when she's likely to be feeling the most nauseated, sex is low on her priority list. But you can still make her feel sexy, which is good for everybody (and might lead to more sex later on – which is also good for everybody).

4. Massage. And massage. And massage. Listen to her preferences. Erica Lyon describes a great technique in The Big Book of Birth. She calls it the hip squeeze and it involves pushing the two sides of your partner's hips in together while she is on all fours, thereby relieving tension in the lower back. It feels so damn good she'll be begging you for it every night. 

• Have her put her feet up at the end of each day. 
• Experiment with hot and cool packs on her shoulders and back. 
• Use scented lotions. Look for a sample pack instead of purchasing a big tub of one kind – pregnant women's olfactory senses are way out of whack and she might start to retch at something she used to love.

5. Plan a vacation. This is not the time for adventure. This is the time for relaxation, for having all her meals made for her, for beautiful scenery. 

• Ask her if it's all right for you to take care of all the logistics. Take care of all the logistics. 
• If you can't afford to/don't have the time to go somewhere, ask your friends if they're planning on going out of town sometime in the next nine months. Tell them that you want to plan a romantic surprise for your partner and that you'd like to house sit. They can't say no. Tell everyone else you're going on vacation (it's not a lie!) and turn off your phones, computers, whatevers. This is time to focus on her.
  

6. Buy her a bikini. Even if she'd never wear it outside of the hotel room, this is a good way to suggest to her that you find her body sexy in all its ways. And pregnant women look great in bikinis. Look for a string one that ties on the sides so that both top and bottom are size-adjustable.




7. Don't act disgusted about what her body is going through. Ever. Yes, she's throwing up, she smells funny, she can't do the acrobatic sexy things she used to do, maybe she bleeds after you've been inside her (it's normal! don't worry so much!). 

• If you feel grossed out about the thought of her giving birth, tell it like it is: confess to being scared out of your wits. A terrified man is an infinitely more appealing partner than a grossed out teenaged boy.
• Her breasts may leak milk when you stimulate them. She's a glorious, juicy, alive, life-giving woman pregnant with your seed. Deal with it. You keep a box of kleenexes by the side of the bed for a reason, right?
  

8. Take photos of her. Naked if she'll let you, but just on a daily basis is good, too. 

• Some couples like to take a picture every day or every week so they have a visual record of the pregnancy's development. 
• Take them from the angle that exaggerates her belly as much as possible. Chances are she'll be happier with an image that makes her look pregnant than with one that makes her look like she's just put on a few pounds.
• Don't share these photos without asking her. There's nothing sexy about having your boundaries violated (unless you want to have your boundaries violated, but that's a different story).

9. Tell her she is beautiful every day. By that I don't mean, literally saying "You're beautiful" every day. Mix it up a bit. You know, be creative. 

• "That dress looks great on you!"
• "Oh hey man, yeah nice to hear from ya. Yup, Sally's doing great, and she looks amaaazing. Just wait 'til your girlfriend gets pregnant. It's hot."
• "Yes we're ready to order. Let's ask the beautiful pregnant woman first. Honey, what are you going to have?" 
• And the classic: "You're so beautiful, I'm so glad you're the mother of my child!"

10. Find out what makes her feel sexy, and how you can help with it. Does she like having her hair done? Maybe you can call the salon and book an appointment. Does she feel particularly embodied after meditation or yoga class? Maybe you can drive her there or go with her. Does she love wearing a certain pair of shoes that are starting to pinch? Encourage her to wear them out, but bring a more comfortable option for her to change into.


My point is, pregnancy is a chance to get intimate with your partner in a whole new way. There's something undeniably lusty about a woman being pregnant with your baby. She's fertile. She's curvy, she's alive. She's devoted her body to nourishing the product of yours. And the best part: she's turning you into a baby-daddy.

Hot Topics

 Nov. 6 - 13 2011:

Our babies' love of inanimate objects. Sarah started the conversation with her post, For the Love of (Inanimate) Objects and followed up with a description of her baby P's desire for a vacuum; Svea wrote about her frustration with sharp edges on household products meant for babies.

Breastfeeding. Sarah wrote about her joy in the let-down action coming from her right nipple (and some great tips on increasing milk production). Svea wrote about La Leche League and being over-prepared for breastfeeding. She also came up with the genius idea of the combination vibrator breast-pump because, "...when lactating women are turned on, they spray milk everywhere." On that note, the lovely Anais discussed the challenges of maintaining sexual rapport during and after pregnancy in her Sunday Brunch interview.

And of course, there was much bemoaning the lack of changing tables in public washrooms on Mamactivism and oohing and aahing over badass babywearing on Too Hot For Stroller.

"I'll have what he's having"/"No, you won't."

Comments like the following -- which I've arranged for your convenience from the least to the most lascivious -- arrive unbidden from the mouths of strangers.



"That looks so comfy."

"Now that's the life."

"I wish I could be carried like that!"

"I'll trade places with him!"

"I want the baby's food!"


It happens when I wear Sweet Baby James in the sling. Which is every day.

I get the middle one the most: "I wish I could be carried like that." There's nothing wrong with the sentiment in and of itself -- don't we all wish for free, reliable transportation? -- but the fact that it comes from men (only men!) has got me wondering.

I told my husband about this during our five minutes of quality time last night. He was unzipping his fly.
"Three guys said they wanted to be in Sweet Baby James' sling tonight," I said.
He laughed as he lifted up the toilet seat (gotcha there, didn't I?).
"Well," I said, "Do you have anything to say about it?"
"Hmm... I'll rip their eyeballs out." He answered, referring to the street-fighting skills he acquired with other ass-kicking Buddhists at Leriken in Montreal.
"Ha ha," I said, "But really, what do you think is going on there?"
"What's going on there is that they're confusing my wife with their mother."
"Yes," I said, "The old I-want-my-wife-to-be-my-mother thing..."
"No... I said my wife. Not their wives."
"Oh, I get it. So, like, 'excuse me sir, but it would behoove you to make the distinction between my wife and your mother, sir.'"
"Yeah," he said, reaching for the dental floss.

But I can't quite believe that there is salacious intent behind this comment. In my experience, when men are saying something they know to be naughty, they're a little sly about it. Or they stutter, or blush. They're quieter. These guys, on the other hand, want the world to know that they wish they could be carried around like an 8 month-old baby. And when I told Mr. Artist that he was the THIRD man at that opening to make the comment, he didn't act all proud to be Mr. Dirty Scandalous Artist; he walked away to get another glass of wine.

Like it was I who had made the faux-pas. *sigh*

What is it about that kind of carrying that is so appealing to men? Is it the boobs? SARK, in her (fecking fantastic) book Succulent Wild Woman describes how men (and some women) love "big boobs" because they see them as big soft pillows they could curl up against. And in this short article from ivillage, written by men about breasts, it mentions a desire to return to the "...halcyon days when our mothers protected us from all the world's evils."

I don't think I'll ever quite understand the (predominantly male) fascination with breasts, especially now that mine have become utterly mundane and not particularly private food delivery banks (how's that for sexxxay?). But the fantasy of returning to the womb, or the warmth of the mother's arms does makes sense to me.

I myself sometimes wish I could be once again ensconced in the cradleboard my father made for me when I was a baby. There's a part in all of us that never really grows up, right? This basic craving for closeness, however, doesn't explain the gender divide. Why do women say, "He looks so comfortable there!" or "What a great way to carry your baby!", while men immediately insert themselves into the carrier's warm folds?

Sometimes when I have just gotten out of the bath with Sweet Baby James and we're nursing in bed, drifting off to sleep, I am struck with the intimacy of our bond. I know his body so well. And he knows mine. He trusts me to look after him, to protect him not only from the outside world but also the inside one -- to respect his boundaries, which he is too young to know he has. He gives his complete surrender, because he has to. And I, lying with my nipple between his über sharp newly erupted teeth, trust him to respect my body in the same way.

Except that sometimes he hits me in the face for no reason, because he is a baby.

So anyway, I realize that this intimacy is unusual in our lives, especially in the West, where we have the largest 'personal space' zones in the world. I'll never forget the first time I saw some Moroccan dudes all thugged-out and caressing each others' shoulders as they stood chatting at the port of Tangier. It's just the way people relate to others of the same gender there. You touch someone when you're talking with them, maybe go get naked at a Hammam together, nothing unusual about it. But here we don't and it will not likely be until Sweet Baby James gets into a sexual relationship that he will feel this kind of physical closeness with someone again.

And then it will be different. He will be expected to return the intimacy, to give back -- not only sexually, but also in the form of hugs, caresses, tenderness. To me, this give and take is the ultimate joy of sexual intimacy, but clearly it's not everybody's idea of a good time.




Maybe that's what these guys are really saying when they express a wish to be carried like Sweet Baby James. Maybe they're saying they wish they could be on the receiving end of unconditional love, without having to expend any effort. Jerks.

((and as I was writing this post, at this very juncture, my husband came home with a smile on his face, $200 worth of groceries and a bouquet of flowers. Win!))

And finally, perhaps it's an inversion of that genius idea that mothers are sexless creatures, the classic madonna/whore complex. But if so, it's the inverse: sexualizing the mother, the young woman with a diaper kit in her backpack, the bags under her eyes... and the lucky little baby nodding off to sleep at perfect nipple eye level.


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