10 NEW Technologies That Are Changing The Way We Parent, Part I

The world is changing and so are our parenting needs. So we decided to compile a list five new technologies that we just can't live without. Check out Part II next week for the top 5 that we wish would just go away.

1. SensuaLiter tm.

The new Medula SensuaLiter plug-in breast pump takes advantage of the most basic fact of human biology: when lactating women are turned on, they spray milk everywhere. A combination electric pump and vibrator, SensuaLiter relieves stress, brings on the lactation let-down reflex, and breaks boundaries. This product makes sense now that companies have caught up with the times and are offering women paid pump breaks and private, lockable rooms in which to do it. "This has really helped me to continue breastfeeding," said Jenny Laroche, mother of three. "And I don't know how I got through my workday without it."

2. Pooping Turdle.

Green Spot, our very own Pooping Turdle!

This little green fellow puts a smile on any young pooper's face. Let's face it, pooping can be boring. Pooping Turdle sings a song, makes soft grunting noises, and even makes silly jokes ("Don't throw me in there!"). Invented by a mom in Eugene, Oregon, PT is small, lightweight, and easily disguised as a regular toy (just don't leave him on the kitchen table when MIL's come to visit). Make potty-training fun with Pooping Turdle. Because like their website says, It's the small things that make pooping fun.

3. babyfacebook (bfb).

 Everybody knows Mark Zuckerberg is a total douche. What we didn't know was that, just like Justin Beiber, he's fathered a string of illegitimate progeny. While Bieber calls these kids his "friends", Zuckerberg makes it official. This spring he founded babyfacebook (bfb), the invite-only social networking site for newborns. "Because facebook is only available to people over thirteen years of age," says Omar Cohen, manager of facebook corp. public relations, "We developed this network for pre- and pre-er tweens." But unlike 'old person' fb, you can't just sign up -- you have to die and be reincarnated (hello, Steve Jobs). Every child born in a public hospital is given the option of opening a customizable bfb account. "This really takes care of the problem of unwanted contact -- only small children are allowed to access this site," says Cohen. So that means that pedophiles (and skanky pictures) aren't a worry, at least for the first twelve years. Now that expecting parents are getting on the bandwagon we'll never be subject to another "Look at the stick I peed on!" status update again.

4. Manse Mondegreen: Queer as (Old) Folk.

OK so this isn't exactly a new technology, but it's something technology's never done before. We're talking about Manse Mondegreen, the sexy, brooding golden age drama that premiers on NBC this fall. Watch Phyllis, the former stripper-turned-Christian, Douglas her long-time lover (and his severe but hilarious wife), and lovable Henry, who would do anything to get into her pants (or even his own). Manse Mondegreen is a seniors' residence where people lose their minds, their fortunes, their inhibitions -- and eventually their lives. What could be better? It wasn't too long ago that 'My So-Called Life' was canceled because network execs just couldn't get behind a show that was only successful with teenagers. A few Twilight years later, and we've all seen how important these franchises can become. Now the head honchos at NBC are casting their glances up (and up!) the age brackets for their next big thing.

5. Safe Deodorizers.

Odor Out, one of the new baby-scented deoderizers

"You can always tell when you go to someone's house if they've just had a baby," says Josh, a bachelor in his late 20s. "Because it smells really funny, and everyone's wearing bathrobes." Well, there's not much we can do about the bathrobes, but the smell is something everyone could do without. In the past, the only thing to even come close to combatting 'Eau de slight tinge of poop with a whiff of rancid milk and unwashed hair' was the selection of carcinogen-containing deodorizers found on the pharmacy shelf. They made your house smell like pinesol, lavender, and/or detergent. The new breeds (like Odor Out, Baby Breathed On Me, and Snugnose) are not only safer and more effective, they also come in family-friendly scents. There's 'clean new baby' (really just fresh milk), 'clean new mama' (a musky, vanilla-like scent) and 'clean new papa' (gin).

NB: A few of you have emailed me asking where you can get these products. I'm sorry to say (especially about the vibrator/breast pump), but I made them all up. "Yes," said my sister, "but how was I to know? Capitalism be crazy."

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