Mommy: So I found this really great dress for 14 bucks-and I bought it!
G: What?! *mock disbelief*
J: G....If mommy is happy we're allll happy.
G: One of the first things I learned in prenatal class.....
On date night
Husband calls on way home with kids in car.
Husband: Hey! So we are on the way home now, be there in a few!
Wife: Excellent! There's an already made bottle of breastmilk in the bottle warmer, and I've locked myself in the office with a bottle of wine and two glasses- see you soon sexy lover!
Husband: uhhh. *clears throat* your on speaker phone...
Everyone in car: Hiiiii Mommmmyyyyy!!!!
Wife: ...
On Communicable Illness
Wife: "Did you see these red marks on the baby's back?"
Husband: "Oh yeah, would you look at that. Maybe he has measles... [laughing]"
Wife: "What the... did you draw on the baby?!"
Husband: "Oh yeah, would you look at that. Maybe he has measles... [laughing]"
Wife: "What the... did you draw on the baby?!"
Parenting
Wife: Well, there goes our parent of the year award.....
Husband: Meh, we got next year in the bag.
On history
Young sales associate: "Aw, he's so cute! Look at his cheeks, they're huge!"
Mama: "Yup, he was Winston Churchill for Halloween!"
Young sales associate: [blank stare]
Mama: "You know, like, the British Prime Minister?"
Young sales associate: [goes back to folding clothes]
Mama: "You know, he won the war against Hitler, Never never never never, never give up, bowler hat and jowls... Oh, never mind."
Mama: "Yup, he was Winston Churchill for Halloween!"
Young sales associate: [blank stare]
Mama: "You know, like, the British Prime Minister?"
Young sales associate: [goes back to folding clothes]
Mama: "You know, he won the war against Hitler, Never never never never, never give up, bowler hat and jowls... Oh, never mind."
 |
| Winston Churchill needs his la-las |
On science in the home
Baby (sitting on hallway floor, enthusiastically): "Waa, woo, gaarrgh!"
Mama (rushing out of the bedroom): "Qu'est-ce-qui se passe? Oh. It's an ant. That's an ant crawling on your leg. That's what they do. They're like crumbs but they move."
Baby: "Gaaah, gah gah!"
Mama: "Yes, now it's on your hand. Now it's on your arm... Let's go play with some blocks."
Mama (rushing out of the bedroom): "Qu'est-ce-qui se passe? Oh. It's an ant. That's an ant crawling on your leg. That's what they do. They're like crumbs but they move."
Baby: "Gaaah, gah gah!"
Mama: "Yes, now it's on your hand. Now it's on your arm... Let's go play with some blocks."
On feeding
"You know, sometimes I think the best way to feed the baby would be to just throw little bits of it onto the floor."
On boundaries
Husband: Honey, why did you move the trash can that was in the bathroom? We need it for poopy diapers.
Wife: It was beside the heater. I can deal with poop. Cooked poop is another matter.
Wife: It was beside the heater. I can deal with poop. Cooked poop is another matter.
On mortality (Merry Christmas!)
Little girl, to her friend: "Santa Claus is dead, Dylan. He died centuries and centuries ago."
On Santa Claus
E: Look at all the cookies we baked, imagine we left them all for Santa and he ate them all?
Me: Imagine everyone left this many cookies at all the houses for Santa?
E: He eats a lot of cookies already. That many cookies isn't good for you, I bet he has diabetes from too many cookies....
Me: .....
On Finally Having Time to Shave Ones Legs...
E: "How come you gave the cat a bath?"
Me: "I didn't give the cat a bath?"
E: "Maybe the cat fell in the tub? The bath water is draining and there's a LOT of black cat hair in there..."
Husband: *bursts out in hysterical laughter*
On vaginal birth
Wife: "So before we decided on a natural birth, I had actually thought I wanted to have a Cesarean. You know, to save my precious vagina. Some women get such bad tearing."
Husband: "Well... I think your precious vagina came through with flying colours."
(read an interview about Caesarean birth trauma with therapist Helen Dunn)
Husband: "Well... I think your precious vagina came through with flying colours."
(read an interview about Caesarean birth trauma with therapist Helen Dunn)
On memory
Papa: "You know, it's so weird that we don't remember this time as babies. He won't remember this later. It's like hanging out with a drunk person."
On being the dog
"Oh, so this is the game. You throw something to the floor and I pick it up. It's called fetch. I've played this before. Except this time I'm the dog..." -- Jessa
On making friends
"Baby, what's that in your mouth? WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR MOUTH? ... Um, sorry, I thought he was just pulling her pig-tails but actually my son was stealing your daughter's barrette. Here ya go. It's kind of wet."
On time zones
"You know, I really love coming west from being out east. Because of the time difference my baby goes to bed at 9:30, not midnight. It totally makes me seem like a better mother."
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