Shibori Healing - Group Therapy for Mothers Pregnant After Loss

I just got back from my second residency at Goddard College, Vermont. I'm doing an MA in Counseling and Psychology (to complement the diploma in psychotherapy I finally completed this summer) and it's pretty much the best thing ever.

My advisor, Wendy Phillips, is an intellectual badass and heartbreaking visual artist. She curates an art show each residency to showcase the work of students throughout the program. Because the program is so very much DIY, there's room for creative work in a way that I haven't found anywhere else in academia. As Wendy says, "I keep thinking they're going to come in and tell me 'You can't do that!' But they haven't yet..."

I exhibited a prototype from a workshop I designed last semester in my course on group therapy. You may have noticed I'm interested in maternal health (ya don't say?), so I wrote my final paper on this idea: designing a hands-on workshop for mothers pregnant after experiencing loss. The product of the workshop would be a baby-carrier, dyed through the traditional Japanese art of Shibori.

Shrouded Shibori by Holly Brackmann

Social support is so important in facilitating the movement through grief. And I feel that the process of working with textiles is something akin to the process of creating a baby: painstaking in one way and yet so comforting as well; following a pre-determined design but also touching an element of the unknown; and in its cultural coding, entirely feminine.

I posted a link to my residency write-up on my Fb page and there was some interest in reading a bit more about this project. So here's the paper I wrote, interspersed with some screenshots for the workshop, which will probably never happen but was really fun to write about.

Shibori Healing: Textile-Based Group Therapy for Mothers

Introduction:

The relationship between parent and child is one of inter-dependence and shared identity; the grief experienced from its loss is almost necessarily 'pathological' in nature (Rando, 1993). Perinatal death (the loss of a child¹ at or around the time of childbirth) is experienced by the parents as a profound tragedy with existential ramifications reaching the very core of self-understanding (Taubman-Ben-Ari & Katz-Ben-Ami, 2008). Societal treatment of parents who have lost an infant, however, does not often acknowledge the magnitude of this grief (Rando, 1993). In addition to the pain of loss, mothers report feeling stressed, isolated, and misunderstood.

The situation becomes further complicated when a mother who is suffering from perinatal loss becomes pregnant again. Carrying her 'Rainbow baby' within her, she may experience relief from some of the most severe symptoms of her grief; relief may also bring guilt. Outsiders might congratulate her on 'becoming a mother again' or anxiously refrain from discussing her past pregnancy for fear of causing 'bad luck'. Extra medical attention may feel warranted, or it may increase her anxiety. She may worry that she will not be able to bond with her child.

The intersection of stress and joy at the prospect of a new child, and remaining grief and fear from the loss of a previous one, is an area particularly dense with psychological need. Therapy designed specifically for mothers in this situation, however, is almost nonexistent. The benefits of designing an effective therapy for this population could have long-term positive effects: the anxiety and depression experienced by mothers after perinatal loss can also interfere with their level and style of attachment to the new child (Gaudet, 2010). Mothers who receive counseling and social support undergo shortened bereavement reactions after perinatal death (Forest, Standish, & Baum, 1982). Therapies that address this issue with mothers pregnant again may enhance their abilities to relate with their children.

Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Terminology

"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope (starwarsmama, 2010).

The terminology used to describe a deceased child is laden with emotion, reflecting the light through which the speaker wishes both the child and their passing to be seen. One comment thread recently posted in the Facebook group, 'Defiling Photos of Dead Babies is NOT ART!' (created by a bereaved mother with the intention of pressuring the creator of the 'Stillborn in th3 USA' series to redact and apologize for her work), discussed the issue of the group's title. A group member took exception to it, stating that, “I am only speaking for myself but the name of this group bothers me in that its name contains the phrase "dead babies" which I find offensive. My child may have died but I would never refer to her as my dead baby” (Leif, 2012).

The term 'rainbow baby' is used to denote a child born after parents' previous experience of the loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or other fatality. Like 'angel baby' (a deceased child), the term is ambivalent, referring both to joy and grief. Mothers use it to express the healing power of re-engaging in processes of child conception, childbirth, and child-rearing.

The term, however, has not been adopted by medical professionals, who seem more likely to use the rainbow metaphor to market their services as child-friendly (e.g. the University Hospitals 'Rainbow Babies and Children's Hospital' in Cleveland, OH) or in reference to the adopted children of LGBTQ couples. Even within parenting loss support groups, the rainbow metaphor has its detractors. Some Christian mothers find it denies the goodness of God; others find its additional association with LGBTQ causes distressing.

Uses of 'Rainbow baby' must also be seen within the context they occur: the lexicon of parenting groups, many of which use a register that is cutesy and decidedly non-medical. For example, other terms include, 'BFP' (Big Fat Positive, a positive pregnancy test), 'Sticky dust' (wishes or prayers for a healthy pregnancy not leading to miscarriage or loss) and 'DTBD' (Doing the Baby Dance, or having sex). The success of these parenting groups may indicate that American women feel a need to pursue advice and support regarding reproduction outside of the medical field.

Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Ostracism

I'm sorry you can't see him, but I feel him always, all around me. He's definitely here. I'm not contagious. It doesn't rub off. Why do people freak out when Caleb's name is brought up? Why do certain members of my family completely ignore he ever existed? Why have long time friends just up and block [sic] me from their lives? I don't believe I've been a self pity party. I think I've done quite well. So what's the big deal? Everyone freaked out about death that much? (Evans, 2012)

The social isolation that often accompanies the loss of an infant can have devastating effects (Doka, 1989). Parents experiencing intense grief without knowledgeable support can feel that they are losing their minds (Rando, 1993). The dramatic change in social role that accompanies pregnancy (Taubman-Ben-Ari & Katz-Ben-Ami, 2008) and its subsequent loss in the case of perinatal death can lead to uncertainty as to how to interact with the world (Gaudet, 2010). It has been hypothesized that strangers, friends, and even close family members do not develop the same kind of attachment with a child in-utero as the parents (Rando, 1993). Thus, their need to grieve the loss of their unborn or stillborn child is never fully understood.

Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Depression and Attachment

It's rough but we're just trying to get by. I think it will be harder on me as it gets closer to February and...[our earlier son's] birth/death date, and when (if) I'm in the 3rd trimester or whatnot - just movement might be hard. I may have a really hard time "bonding" with the pregnancy, for sure. I think i might really hold back (ekandrmkb, 2011).

While it is important and valuable to provide emotional support for grieving parents, efforts to address the emotional complications present in post-loss pregnancies also have a broader significance. Infants of mothers with clinical depression, particularly during the last trimester, are more likely to show disordered capacity for neurorelugation (Goodman, Rouse, Long, Ji, & Brand, 2011; Glover, Bergman, & O’Connor, 2008) marked by infant disorganization and fussiness in general (Hart, Field, & Roitfarb, 1999; Lundy et al., 1999; Zuckerman, Bauchner, Parker, & Cabral, 1990).

This can set a negative stream of interactions in motion, as emotionally withdrawn post-loss mothers face the additional challenge of bonding with a fussy baby (Goodman, Rouse, Long, Ji, & Brand, 2011). Some researchers (ibid.) have recommended that healthcare providers monitor women they perceive to be at greater risk for antenatal depression, assessing their infants for fussiness and helping mothers learn coping and calming mechanisms in caring for their newborns.

Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Medical Management:

When I labored with my first I was told I was incapable, that my body “couldn’t” do it, that my contractions were inadequate, that I wasn’t dilating fast enough, then that I couldn’t push him out. I was forced to have medicine that almost killed him by putting him into severe distress, then I was forced to have him cut and sucked out of me because of my “inadequacy” (Renee, 2011).

Women with access to healthcare are often monitored more closely in post-loss pregnancies. In many cases, the causes of previous stillbirth or miscarriage remain unknown and the medical management of the subsequent pregnancy is pervasive, conducted as a matter of course. Women have conflicting feelings about this management (e.g. LRusso, 2012; Renee, 2011). Some find that increased management allays some of their fears and validates their efforts to provide a safe environment for foetal growth (LRusso, 2012). Others find it invasive, exacerbating their fears of worst-case scenarios (Renee, 2011). And still others feel that their pregnancy is not being monitored closely enough.

Like patients with medical illness, pregnant women interface with medical procedures and professionals on a regular basis. Their feelings about this involvement must be taken into account in the design of further healthcare therapies, including psychological work.

Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Pregnancy as a 'Coping Mechanism':

I don't know if since Carys' arrival if I have had much time to remember Jayne, of course I still think about her every day, but Carys keeps me so busy, I'm not sure I'm able to continue to process the grief in the same way. Is this a good thing? Is this the next stage, integrating Jayne into a family that's here with me? Or ought I to make a space for my relationship with Jayne? A time for just me and her? How does anyone else manage mothering rainbows and angels?(JulyBaby, 2010)

Little or no research has been conducted into the reasons behind and factors contributing to the decision to have another child after perinatal loss. While there are mental health contra-indications for becoming pregnant soon after, such as increased risk for anxio-depressive symptoms (Gaudet, 2010; Forest, Standish, & Baum, 1982), an estimated 86% of women become pregnant again within 18 months of suffering perinatal loss (Cuisinier, Janssen, Degraauw, Bakker and Ogduin, 1996). Many women fare better having devoted more time and energy to exclusively grieving a lost infant (Forest et al., 1982); but most do not take this path.

Research literature frames quick re-engagement with the reproductive process as a 'coping mechanism' (Gaudet, 2010; Wolff, Neilson and Schiller, 1970) with a risk of 'replacement baby syndrome' (Gaudet, 2010). Pregnancy after loss may in fact be an added complication in an already labyrinthine grieving process (O'Leary, 2004). It has been found to dampen some aspects of grief, including the loss of self-perception as mother, the loss of social role as mother, and guilt (Lin & Lasker, 1996; Theut, Zaslow, Rabinovich, Bartko & Morihisa, 1990).

Women in online support groups almost universally agree that the decision of when or if to have another child is a complex and personal one. The very concept of 'rainbow baby' indicates that the mother may currently be experiencing intense grief while also welcoming a new child into her life. The belief that the next pregnancy should come only after the first loss has been 'fully grieved' is one that is found more frequently within the medical literature (O'Leary, 2004; Côte-Arsenault, 1995) than the statements or actions of mothers themselves.

And yet, healthcare professionals continue to make that recommendation (Gaudet, 2010; Forest et al., 1982). Such statements about the morality of reproduction (who has a right to bear children, through what means, and with what frequency) are often perceived differently from the perspectives of a healthcare provider and a patient. An assumption that women are persons with agency should lead healthcare providers to facilitate women's choices instead of dictating them. Therapeutic support for the vast majority of women who are pregnant soon after loss is an ethical imperative.

Shibori Healing Group Worksop: Overview

This paper accompanies an eight-session workshop entitled 'Shibori Healing: Textile-based Group Therapy for Mothers'. In this short-term therapy, pregnant women who have previously experienced perinatal loss are encouraged to discuss, learn about, and support others in the various elements of the grieving process. At the same time, they are encouraged to look forward to meeting and raising their new child, to foster an attachment with him/her, and to consider how their experience with loss will both present challenges and provide special meaning to the process of raising a child.

The workshop takes its cues from other support groups (Alcoholics Anonymous, Mothers Against Drunk Driving) but asks questions more often heard in interactional group settings, such as those of an existential nature (Yalom, 2005). 'Shibori Healing' does not rely on the agenda-like structures often used to facilitate support groups; instead, it makes use of the long-standing tradition of communal women's work. Shibori is an ancient Japanese cloth dying technique which is process-intensive and yet easy to learn. With each workshop session, participants are invited to learn and talk about suggested topics while they work on their pieces.

While the technique of Shibori dying does not have special significance to this topic, the assigned textile piece connects intimately with attachment and hope: participants create a baby-carrier for their new infant. 'Babywearing' is both a traditional and contemporary practice which has been shown to increase levels of bonding and attunement between parent and infant (Johnson, 2010; Anisfeld, Casper, Nozyce, & Cunningham, 1990). It is hoped that the act of creating a simple carrier within a safe and supportive female community will foster trust, self-confidence, and a feeling of belonging. The tangible product produced at the end of the workshop may also be experienced as an expression of the participant's growing confidence that the child in-utero will soon be held closely within it.

Reflecting the popularity of online support groups addressing all issues of parenthood, 'Shibori Healing' also takes advantage of the advent of social media. A private online discussion group specifically designed for workshop participants will be made available, lightly moderated on a daily basis by the workshop facilitator. According to statements made online, mothers who participate in online groups designed to support them through perinatal loss often experience them as life-changing, in some ways more intimate than their relationships 'IRL' (In Real Life) (Evans, 2010). It is hoped that the online group will provide another avenue for social support.

Shibori Healing Group Workshop: Technology

People who were once my friends have pushed themselves away because they don’t know what to say, they don’t know how to act. Normal activities like taking a shower, eating and driving to work are no longer the same. But then, God sent me gifts...Friends who really get it. Friends who understand how it feels. And although I would never wish this upon anyone, I am elated to have met some of the incredibly amazing women who have been sent to me...By forming these exceptionally strong bonds with women I have never met, we are honoring our babies. We are celebrating their lives and we are each strengthened by one another (Evans, 2012).

The rise of social media has impacted the normal process of grieving for a lost child. While parents continue to face the challenge of social awkwardness and even ostracism from their friends and family (Rando, 1984), they now have the option of participating in one of hundreds of online parenting and grieving support groups. Many of these groups have secondary affiliations through which parents can further connect and receive support: religious beliefs, the age at which the child died, or the means through which the death occurred. Participants are encouraged to discuss the details of their child's death, the ways they experience and cope with grief, and post pictures of their deceased children.

Almost all of these groups explicitly share the intention of supporting members in their grieving process, helping them to feel that their grief is accepted and validated.² Stories of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death are often greeted with long comments of commiseration, transcriptions of prayers made on the initial poster's behalf, and stories of healing from mothers who have experienced the same. These new networks of support offer help in the form of suggestions for burial rituals, trained volunteer guidance, pen-pals and intangible, technologically-mediated human comfort.

Shibori Healing Group Workshop: The Value(s) of Cloth

Cloth, by its very nature and function, occupies the transitional space between the boundary of the self and the other, individual and social, private and public. For the newborn infant, cloth literally becomes a secondary holding environment, and the first experience of feeling mother; of comfort, safety, and warmth… or lack thereof. For this reason, textiles provide what Bion and Winnicott termed a ‘containing environment’. In psychological terms it is this environment, usually created by the parents, where the infant feels held by another (Kalaba, 2011).

The practice of 'babywearing' has been shown to enhance attachment between infants and caregivers (Johnson, 2010; Anisfeld, Casper, Nozyce, & Cunningham, 1990). The carrier produced in this workshop is simply a rectangle of cloth held together by two rings. While participants will be encouraged to become acquainted with and consider using the practice, babywearing itself is optional. The simplicity of this carrier's design allows the cloth to be used for other nurturing purposes: to swaddle the infant (which could help to calm infants perhaps in extra needs of such containment, if their mothers experience pre-natal depression, as discussed above); to keep the infant warm; to reduce distraction during breast feeding if the mother chooses to do so; and so on.

Traditionally, 'women's work' in the Western world has engaged with cloth, producing textile-based objects imbued with psychological meaning. This has been done through the communal and hands-on production of crafts, clothing, and house décor. The modern stereotype of a mother endlessly and endearingly attached to cloth items of special significance, such as an infant's first outfit, may be seen as a continuation of this tradition.

While Winnicott (1957) first touched on the psychological importance of its nurturing, corporeal nature, psychology as a discipline has shied away from studies of cloth. The use of textiles in supporting people through grief has been left to the exploration of community-based projects, most often run by women who have themselves experienced loss. Little Angels Hankies, in which a handkerchief is embroidered with the name of a lost child and then sent to the grieving family free of cost, is one example. Collecting Loss, in which family members contribute clothing worn by a deceased loved one for public exhibition is another.

The use of cloth in 'Shibori Healing' is an effort to continue this small body of work. It is hoped that engagement with textile production will help participants to deeply and tactically engage with the concepts most difficult for mothers who have suffered loss: the felt sense of being a mother; the urge to both create and inhabit safe, womb-like spaces; and the desire to hold a healthy baby in her arms.

Shibori Healing Workshop: The Importance of Group

The group format of this workshop was selected for a number of reasons. The first is simple social validation: participants will be exposed to others experiencing many of the same events (what Yalom (2005) calls the 'principle of universality'). Through this, participants experience a reduction in feelings of isolation and anxiety. The second reason is community.

Historically, Western women engaged in manual labour in close proximity to each other. Time spent with close female kin allowed the transfer of traditional knowledge (Gorer, 1949), especially with regard to parenting techniques and values. Current cultural fragmentation and industrial advances have made this forum all but impossible. The proliferation of online mothers' forums demonstrates that modern women need social advice-giving and support forums (both online and in real life) more than ever. Lastly, the group format has been found to be particularly helpful in addressing existential concerns (Yalom, 2005).

Some theorists have posited that mothering an infant serves not only to transform a woman into a mother, but also as a buffer against her natural death anxiety (Taubman-Ben-Ari & Katz-Ben-Ami, 2008; Deutsch, 1945). The experience of birth itself increases a mother's access to her unconscious ideas about death (Westbrook, 1978). With the loss of a child, the mother is thus forced to confront mortality in a number of ways. Yalom (2005) explains that group therapy has a special ability to deal with such existential issues, helping participants to recognize that, “...life is at times unfair and unjust...ultimately there is no escape from some of life's pain or from death” (98). The chance to face these issues not in isolation, but in a supportive group setting, could be helpful for grieving parents.

Conclusion:

'Shibori Healing' was initially intended to fit within the framework of therapeutic expressive arts therapeutic, as put forth by Paulo Knill, Ellen Levine and Stephen Levine (2005). But in this workshop, the visual elements of the cloth dyed and sewn are not considered the expression of inner psychological workings. On further reflection, it was understood that 'Shibori Healing' and perhaps therapeutic work in producing textiles in general, speaks to a different understanding.

The production of textiles almost always involves repetition and the fulfillment of a predetermined design. In 'Shibori Healing', the emphasis is put on repetitive, body-based tasks intended to allow space and time for psychological transformations to occur. These transformations can then be expressed and integrated in other areas of the client's life, but are not likely to be evident in the patterns of the shibori cloth itself. The product of this therapy is both functional and relational: loss experienced in the past is carried forward, embedded within an object that can also carry new life.

References:

Anisfeld, E., Casper, V., Nozyce, M., & Cunningham, N. (1990). Does infant carrying promote attachment? An experimental study of the effects of increased physical contact on the development of attachment. Child Development, 61, 5, 1617-1627.

Côte-Arsenault, D. (1995). Tasks of pregnancy and anxiety in pregnancy after perinatal loss. Dissertation Abstracts International, 56, 66–69.

Cuisinier, M., Janssen, H., Degraauw, C., Bakker, S., & Ogduin, C. (1996). Pregnancy following miscarriage: Course of grief and some determining factors. Journal of Psychosomatic, Obstetric and Gynaecology, 17, 168–174.

Deutsch, H. (1945). The psychology of women: A psychoanalytic interpretation. Volume 2: Motherhood. New York, NY: Grune & Stratton.

Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington, MA: Lexington Books.

Evans, C. (2012 July 4) I am the face of stillbirth. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Retrieved from http://facesofloss.com/2012/07/5642.html#more-5642

Evans, C. (2012 July 2) Let's End the Silence! Caleb's Story. Retrieved from http://calebs-story.blogspot.ca/2012/07/uhhhhawkward-silence.html

Gaudet, C. (2010). Pregnancy after perinatal loss: association of grief, anxiety and attachment. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 28, 3, 240-251.

Glover, V., Bergman, K., & O’Connor, T.G. (2008). The effects of maternal stress, anxiety, and depression during pregnancy on the neurodevelopment of the child. In S.D. Stone & A.E. Menken (Eds.), Perinatal and postpartum mood disorders: Perspectives and treatment guide for the health care practitioner. New York, NY: Springer.

Goodman, S.H., Rouse, M.H., Long, Q., Ji, S., & Brand, S.R. (2011). Deconstructing antenatal depression: What is it that matters for neonatal behavioral functioning? Infant Mental Health Journal, 32, 3, 339-361.

Gorer, G., & Rickman, J. (1949). The people of great russia: a psychological study. Cressett Press, New York.

Hart, S., Field, T., & Roitfarb, M. (1999). Depressed mothers’ assessments of their neonates’ behaviors. Infant Mental Health Journal, 20, 2, 200–210.

Johnson, C. (2010). Impact of kangaroo care (skin-to-skin contact) on attachment formation between preterm infants and their caregiver. Pediatrics CATs. Paper 9.

JulyBaby (2011, October 8). Stunted grief? Dailystrength.org. Retrieved from http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/mothers-to-babies-after-losing-a-baby/discussions/messages/12988052

Kalaba, E. (2011). Healing through cloth: One stitch at a time. In Dawkins, N. (ed.), HEIR/LOOMS, exhibition catalogue. Montreal, QC: Studio Beluga.

Knill, P.J., Levine, E.G., Levine, S.K. (2005). Principles and practices of expressive arts therapy: Towards a therapeutic aesthetics. London, UK: Jessica Kingsley.

Leif, K. (2012, June 13). (Untitled). Defiling Photos of Dead Babies is NOT ART!, Retrieved from http://www.facebook.com/groups/231476363637900/

Lin, S., & Lasker, J. (1996). Patterns of grief after perinatal loss. American Journal of

Orthopsychiatry, 66, 262–271.

LRusso (2012, May 11). Time magazine cover. Dailystrength.org. Retrieved from http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/mothers-to-babies-after-losing-a-baby/discussions/messages/14250224

Lundy, B., Jones, N.A., Field, T., Pietro, P., Nearing, G., Davalos, M., et al. (1999). Prenatal depression effects on neonates. Infant Behavior & Development, 22, 119–129.

O’Leary, J. (2004). Grief and its impact on prenatal attachment in the subsequent pregnancy.

Archives of Women’s Mental Health, 7, 7–18.

Rando, T.A. (1984). Grief, dying and death: Clinical interventions for caregivers. Champaign, IL: Research Press.

Rando, T.A. (1993). Treatment of complicated mourning. Champaign, IL: Research Press.

Taubman-Ben-Ari, O., & Katz-Ben-Ami, L. (2008). Death awareness, maternal separation anxiety and attachment style among first-time mothers – A terror management perspective. Death Studies, 32, 737-756.

Tess32 (2011, July 2). Natural birth after stillbirth. Babycentre.com. Retrieved from http://community.babycentre.co.uk/post/a12020825/natural_birth_after_stillbirth

Theut, S., Zaslow, M., Rabinovich, B., Bartko, J., & Morihisa, J. (1990). Resolution of

parental bereavement after a perinatal loss. Journal of American Academy of Child &

Adolescent Psychiatry, 27, 3, 289–292.

Westbrook, M. T. (1978). Analyzing affective responses to past events: Women’s

reactions to a childbearing year. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 34, 967–971.

Winnicott, D.W. 1957. Playing and Reality. Harmondsworth: Penguin

Wolff, J.R., Neilson, P.E., & Schiller, P. (1970). The emotional reaction to a stillbirth. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 108, 73-77.

Yalom, I.D. & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy. Fifth ed. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Zuckerman, B., Bauchner, H., Parker, S., & Cabral, H. (1990). Maternal depressive symptoms during pregnancy, and newborn irritability. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 11, 4, 190– 194.

1Throughout this paper, the term 'child' is used to refer to foetuses, infants, and small children. This usage is not intended to make a political statement on the beginning of life or the value of reproductive choices; it simply reflects the expression of women participating in online forums through which much of the research for this paper was conducted.

2The willingness to respect the boundaries of group members, however, is not universal. It recently came to light that a visual artist in Louisiana had downloaded and edited pictures of stillborn infants with words such as 'sexy' and 'best friends!' for her piece, 'Stillborn in th3 USA'. Though she had taken images from publicly available sources, as most online images are easily downloadable for the use of anyone who wishes to – the news was reacted to with outrage, calls to news stations, and the eventual hacking of her site such that it could not display her work. The level of rage directed at this artist and her piece corresponds with the level of support offered to women who have suffered loss.

August 6-12th: OB Nursing, Extended Breastfeeding, Petting Zoos

New this week...

OB nurse extraordinaire (and future midwife-in-training) Christy Anderson discusses the forces that brought her to the placenta-eating dark (crunchy) side. Her Sunday Brunch interview has been so popular, she's coming back next week to talk more babies, birth, baby-friendly hospitals, and how she can just tell a woman is in transition.

In honour of World Breastfeeding Week, Svea collects 11 of the most popular objections to extended breastfeeding and applies them to herself. Breastfed until over the age of 3, she has undoubtedly become the friendless misogynist perv these concerned citizens predicted.

It's a flashback to the 1980s on Too Hot For Stroller, where a young mama takes her kiddos to the petting zoo, managing to look awesome while keeping her baby from the nuzzling mouths of sheep.

The Etiquette of Babywearing

Some thoughts on how to babywear, and how to do it nicely.


1. Courtesy:
If you see a mama on transit and she's wearing her baby, offer her your seat. It's like she's pregnant, but on the outside. If you see a papa on transit and he's wearing his baby... same thing.

Too Hot For Stroller!

2. Superiority:
No babywearing method is better than any other. You might have one you like. This doesn't mean it's OK to tell an exhausted parent that their forward-facing carrier is harming their child. Have you ever tried one of those things on? Baby will be out of that carrier in two hours, max. I promise. Bouncing baby boy will survive the bouncing baby Björn.


3. Gender:
Men wearing babies is sexy. I get it. That doesn't mean you can follow my husband around with drool hanging out the side of your mouth. No, he doesn't do it just to turn you on. And no, he doesn't need to provide a free therapy session to you about your unsupportive ex and your breastfeeding and feminist birth practices. He saves all the good stuff for me, bitches.
On a similar note, I don't appreciate leering comments about how, "I wish I could be carried around like that," or "I'll have what the babie's having." No, sir, you won't.


4. Sharing:
If you borrow a friend's carrier, return it in the same condition. In the completely hypothetical scenario that it's become coated in a funky-smelling fluid, hand wash it in water without soap. Hang it to dry. Anything else will compromise the carrier's fabric. If you're two people sharing a carrier (like, say, a husband who's 6'2" and a wife who's... not), your partner has every right to adjust it to their measurements.

5. R-E-S-P-E-C-T:
When babies are being carried they go into the 'quiet-alert state'. This is the best mental state for learning, and it's also the most passive. If you greet a baby and she responds with a blank face, don't take it as a cue to shout louder. She's not deaf, she's ignoring you. She's not ignoring you by accident, she's ignoring you because it's good for her.

6. Sleeping, part I:
Is that baby sleeping? Don't touch it. DO NOT TOUCH IT DO NOT TOUCH IT DO NOT TOUCH IT.

7. Sleeping, part II:
Is that baby sleeping? Don't expect his mama to stop and chat with you. She has better things to do, like go to the bathroom without being stared at from less than a foot away.


8. Carrier Making:

Kamika, of Oh Sew Serendipitous, weight-tests her fabric
at over 35 pounds for hours on end, and you should too.

This could be a post all to itself. Don't steal someone else's carrier design. Don't sew carriers that can't hold up to 30 pounds (yes, some babies are 30 pounds before their first birthday, no they are not all bottle-fed infants in Idaho), or if you do, make sure it's clearly labeled. Use good fabric and good construction: if you wouldn't carry your baby in that thing, why should someone else?


9. DO NOT TOUCH IT (again):
Lots of parents use carriers because they don't want strangers trying to pick up their babies. Don't be that person they complain about at the La Leche League meeting.

10. Nipple Confusion:
Babies can be nursed while they're in carriers. You might see a nipple if you're hanging out with a babywearing mama. The nipple might even have milk coming out of it. That milk might even be spraying around like a garden hose turned up full force. Deal with it. It doesn't mean you have to look the other way, stop talking to her, or that she needs to hide in a dark corner (she is not a teenage couple at a makeout party). If mama was uncomfortable with you seeing her nurse, she would make sure you didn't.


11. Development:
Babies carried develop at the same or faster pace than babies who are not. Comments like, "I'm surprised she can walk, you carry her all the time!" or "It's going to give him a twisted spine!" aren't just silly, they're offensive. And ignorant. And rude. And... ugh.

12. Cultural Appropriation:

My father showing us how to use the cradleboard he made
and in which he once carried me. Cradleboards
are used by indigenous people in North America
(including the Iroquios, Panobscot, and Navajo) as well
as the Saami (once called Laplanders) in Northern Europe.

We all know babywearing has been done in some form at some point of time in almost all 'traditional' societies. But which society does the kind of babywearing that you do? What do they call it? Show some respect and know the history of your carrier. And for goodness sake, don't buy a carrier with a racist name ('The New Native', 'papoose', etc.) and don't pretend it makes you some kind of 'authentic' something. There is no such thing as an 'authentic' anything.

13. Baby carriers count as clothes, part I:
A baby in a diaper in a baby carrier is fully dressed.

14. Baby carriers count as clothes, part II:
A mama in pyjamas with a baby in a diaper in a baby carrier is fully dressed.

15. Safety:
If you know something about babywearing and you see a baby being carried in a seriously unsafe way, by all means go up to the parent/caregiver and politely tell them what you see. Bear in mind that many carries look uncomfortable and downright precarious from the outside; only the person wearing the baby can feel where the baby's centre of gravity is, and that, for example, baby can lift her head on her own, and won't suffocate from resting it on mama's boobs. Mama's boobs are the best pillows.

Sunday Brunch: Interview with Diana, creator of Onya Baby

You all should know by now that there's nothing I like more than a sexy babycarrier. Oh, unless it's a sexy babycarrier that also transforms into something else. Yup. And here it is: The Onya Baby Carrier, designed by Diana R Coote, transforms from a cute and practical babycarrier into... a highchair! (well, let's be accurate: it hooks onto a chair to create a harness. The chair is not particularly higher. The point is: it keeps baby safe and brunch-participatory). Yes, lots of wrap and sling babycarriers can also serve this function (see below, Sweet Baby James sitting on top of a booster seat and tied to the back of a chair at a restaurant in Vancouver) but something makes me nervous about those ad-hoc sling uses. What if the booster seat slips? What if Mister Bister throws his weight to the left without warning? I like how comfy and safe the Onya baby looks. Like, it has straps and stuff.

Sweet Baby James, moderately safely restrained.

Diana, mama, designer, business owner

I've never actually seen one of these Onyas in real life but I heard about them in a babywearing discussion on mothering.com, a natural parenting forum I was recommended by someone I met on transit who pointedly told me I should enter their contest so I could win a real babycarrier (I was mildly offended: Like, WTF is wrong with my green ring sling which is actually just a fraying piece of old cotton? If I want to carry my mid-sized-dog-sized baby on one shoulder that's my business!). The forum was discussing ways to get papas to wear their babies, a topic for which I have very little patience. I'm going to start printing  'Don't be a douche, wear your baby' T-shirts anyway now. Really. Anyway, someone recommended the Onya as a gender-neutral carrier that might appeal to those of the masculine persuasion. Its design is simple and functional, though the mamas in their promotional material look pretty darn gorgeous. Kind of like the founder herself. She's a SAHM whose product facilitates not only Attachment Parenting, but Mamactivism (the radical philosophy that mothers are people with the right to get out of the house), and is 'going pro' with her design, selling it in boutiques across America. But what's it like to break into this female-dominated business as a full-time mama? Is it easy and welcoming, with everyone nursing their babies and swapping diaper stories in the boardroom, or is it red in tooth and claw? And what kind of person willingly goes into business with not only their husband... but also their in-laws?

I contacted Diana Coote to ask her these questions and more. In this week's Sunday Brunch she discusses the joys and challenges of running a family business, how she came up with the convertible carrier-chair idea, what baby wearing means to her, and her dreams for the future.

Enjoy!


Svea Boyda-Vikander
__________________________________________


SB-V: What got you started in making baby-carriers?


DRC: I’ve been into babywearing since 2006, when my first child was born…I actually joined TheBabyWearer while I was pregnant! One of the very few baby items my husband and I purchased prior to her birth was a simple pouch sling, which I fortunately knew how to measure for correct size. That worked well for us for a while. But my babies have a way of chunking up fast, so I had an onbu made for me by a dear friend…that’s what got me into the two-shouldered carriers. I’ve always been really crafty, sewing, painting, knitting, kind of compulsively, so when I started finding my onbu pulling on my shoulders, I decided to add a waist belt. That’s what started this train rolling…


SB-V: The Onya's dual function strikes me as particularly relevant to babywearing, since women who wear their babies usually find it easier to get around and seem to be 'on the go' a lot more. How did this design come to you?


DRC: When my daughter, who is now 5 ½, was around 7 or 8 months old, I went out for lunch with a group of friends. It was fun…who doesn’t love meeting up with their girlfriends? But – hoo-boy – did we leave a mess behind! There was only one high chair at the restaurant and there were six of us…all with babies. So, you can imagine the food and utensil grabbing going on as we tried to eat our lunches. The first thing I came up with was actually a chair cover that worked as a secure seat for your baby. But alas, as I started looking into it, I saw that there were already several options of this exact thing already on the market. So I decided that I’d combine the seat with a carrier. I don’t like lugging a ton of stuff around and already wore my baby, so…voila! I suppose it was a gradual development of an idea. It’s just easier to carry less stuff around and yes, I agree with you, I think that babywearers seem to get out more.


SB-V: Onya Baby is a family company. What does that look like?


DRC: Onya Baby, at its core, is me, Diana Rickard Coote, my sister-in-law, Aleshia Rickard, and my brother, Billy Rickard. We also have my husband, Jon Coote, as our IT guy, and Aleshia’s sister, Silvia, as our graphic designer. Our mom, Billy’s and mine, is our accountant. We all have loads to do and it’s been a wonderful opportunity for us to all become closer.


SB-V: What are the challenges of working with family, and what are the rewards?


DRC: Working with family is both a challenge and a reward. Because we live so far apart (Billy and Aleshia live outside Santa Cruz, CA, Jon and I live in Ottawa ON, and Silvia lives in San Francisco) the company has been such a great opportunity to get together more, both online and in person. It’s given Billy and Aleshia more opportunities to see the children (Jon’s and mine) on a regular basis, something that wouldn’t have happened, in all likelihood, were we not on regular Skype calls. Another reward has been our strengthened relationships. I have to say that this last point would probably qualify as both a challenge and reward. It’s not always easy to handle disagreements within families, and I think that people often tend to fall into old patterns. This isn’t always a productive thing to do. But when you’re starting and running a business, you can’t do that or the business suffers. We’ve all worked much too hard to allow that to happen, so it’s forced us all to “grow up,” in a sense, to handle disagreement, conflict and other friction in a much more productive and objective way. We have to often compromise, or step back and trust another, and it’s been to the real benefit of our relationships and our company.


SB-V: It seems that there are a few big name carriers that have 'cornered' the market if you will (Ergo, Bjorn, etc.). What's it been like to break into the market with a new design?


DRC: It’s a challenge, for sure. We’re so tiny and new and very few people have heard about us yet. We just figure that we’ll keep plugging away and hopefully the carrier will speak for itself and people will love it because it’s a high-quality, comfortable, useful thing to have in their parenting tool kit. We hope word will spread and we’ll gain traction in the competitive marketplace.

SB-V: Given that this industry caters mostly to natural and attachment parenting mothers, do you find it to be more woman-friendly or child-friendly than others?


DRC: I think it probably is, though I can’t really speak from a place of a ton of experience on this. Prior to having children and starting Onya Baby, I worked in the field of Social Work. That’s a field highly dominated by women, so it’s not a big change for me in that sense. I think you’re right, though, the babywearing industry is largely comprised of women-owned, mother-owned businesses, and you can really see that at industry events. The Baby Carrier Industry Alliance annual meeting, for instance, which takes place at the same time as the ABC Kids Expo, has children present. The women who bring them are business owners and their babies are too young for them to not have them along, so there they are. They nurse and babywear during the meeting and everyone’s totally cool with it. Not sure you’d see that at, say, the auto maker’s yearly meeting.


SB-V: That sounds great. What has babywearing meant to you as a mother? How did you come to it?


DRC: Babywearing has simply made my life as a mother easier. It’s allowed me to care for my babies, my children, and still get things done. I truly don’t know how I’d parent without it.

SB-V: Me neither. I keep asking older women I meet how they did it without baby carriers. I've gotten all kinds of responses, from "My arms were very strong" to "He just had to lie in his playpen while I did the housework." How has having this family business impacted your children?

DRC: I think it’s shown them that it’s possible to work really hard, to be creative, to be persistent, and create and build something where there once was nothing. It’s been hard, too, at times. I struggle with the guilt of sometimes feeling like I’m not giving them enough attention because I have work to do. There are days when they watch more TV than I’m comfortable with, I’m admitting it. I try to keep those days few and far between, but they do happen. But then I step back and see how well they play together…most of the time! I see how co-operative they are with each other, with me and Jon, with others, and I think it’s all good. I had both of them home with me full-time until they were each over two, so I really do think I’m giving them what they need when they’re really tiny. They have a strong foundation.


SB-V: If you could, by force of imagination, will one fantasy product into existence, what would that be?

DRC: It would be genius for someone to come up with something that could clean our house, cook our food, do our laundry and possibly walk the dog. But I don’t want a nanny. I’ll take care of that!


SB-V: Nice one. I like a woman who dreams big! Is there anything else you would like to add?

DRC: Just that it’s been an amazing journey so far and I’m so unbelievably grateful that we’re where we are. It’s been a labor of love of mine for four years and to see it actually come to fruition is amazing. I couldn’t have done it without the whole Onya Baby team. We really do need each other. If we could grow this into a self-sustaining family business I would be over the moon. We shall see, eh?

Hot Topics

 Nov. 6 - 13 2011:

Our babies' love of inanimate objects. Sarah started the conversation with her post, For the Love of (Inanimate) Objects and followed up with a description of her baby P's desire for a vacuum; Svea wrote about her frustration with sharp edges on household products meant for babies.

Breastfeeding. Sarah wrote about her joy in the let-down action coming from her right nipple (and some great tips on increasing milk production). Svea wrote about La Leche League and being over-prepared for breastfeeding. She also came up with the genius idea of the combination vibrator breast-pump because, "...when lactating women are turned on, they spray milk everywhere." On that note, the lovely Anais discussed the challenges of maintaining sexual rapport during and after pregnancy in her Sunday Brunch interview.

And of course, there was much bemoaning the lack of changing tables in public washrooms on Mamactivism and oohing and aahing over badass babywearing on Too Hot For Stroller.

A Vacuum? Yes You Heard Right - My Son is in Love with the Vacuum....

Lately our house has been hustling and bustling in order to get ready for the big day. P is turning 1 in 4 days and on the weekend, the whole house is going to be filled with "big boy celebrations."

In the process of getting ready, we have spent endless hours deciding what to get for our little scooter. I mean really, what do you get a scooter that loves nothing more than to cuddle his inanimate objects? The answer - although it took a while to get to - was actually simple. A vacuum.

Since he's been able to indicate them, our son has had a strong affection for the vacuum cleaner. G is deathly allergic to anything that moves or otherwise and vacuuming is a more than once per day activity in our house. As such, P has grown rather fond of being worn around the house while one of us vacuums. In fact, its one of his favourite pastimes and most popular requests as of late. He's even tried his own hand at vacuuming, and decided he loves it. So when we realized this might be an option as a birthday gift we set out researching some toy versions.

Unfortunately, not many of these exist.

There were some specified criteria that had to be met. The vacuum has to be a floor model, not an upright, and it has to make real vacuum noises. In terms of quality vacuums we were able to find, there is only a dyson model for children available only in the UK. *sigh*. So I did what any self respecting parent would do and set out to beg every specialty toy store in our area to order me one. Apparently this is not common practice. In fact, I was met with many "A vacuum? For kids? Never heard of it..." and disproving glances that were dripping with judgements about exactly what types of child labor practices I engaged in at home.

Now here I sit, without a vacuum and a new reputation as that weirdo-mom-who-keeps-harassing-us-about-vacuums. No closer to my goal than when I originally set out making an argument for why these types of things should be more readily available for kids. Kids like to help out. They love to do "big people things" and learn a ton from the environment around them. So what is the harm in encouraging that? And why can't my son legitimately love a vacuum cleaner enough to have his own smaller toy version? Since when have we as a society developed a 'toy hierarchy?'

I have seen some parenting styles that opt for providing their children with video games and television as stand ins for nannies even at the infant stage. Baby Einstein and other television shows might work for some, but its not my style. I prefer to offer my children hands on and engaging learning experiences - and to be a part of this process. So why am I left feeling like the weirdo? When did it become more acceptable for television and video games to be considered 'normal' versions of children's playtime?

On babywearing

"Excuse me, sir! there is a tiny man in your jacket!"


Check out Too Hot For Stroller, our babywearing blog.

Babies: Can't live with 'em...

I don't know what it was today... The 416th consecutive night of broken sleep, or the constant whining coming from the baby backpack as I attempted our first ever mother-son hike in the canyon, an abortive effort that failed not during our walk through the grimy city to get there, but only once we'd reached the beautiful canyon itself? The blackish poop in the diaper which had dried all over Sweet Baby James' butt by the time we returned from this non-hike? The two-times wailing when he fell on his face, cutting his lip and drawing blood for the first (and second!) time in his life? The quick frustration with his sippy cup, this cup which had been on my to-do (to-buy) list for several days and which led only to soaked clothes, a furious baby and a dent in the new blue bookshelf? Or maybe it was the demoralizing experience of having bused over an hour across the city with a seriously tired baby last night to attend a La Leche League meeting that wasn't happening... And then busing, with a now hysterically tired baby, all the way back?

Whatever the case: at around 3pm today I had to sit down, take a deep sigh and admit something terrible to myself (and my husband, because apparently I was talking to myself). I really don't feel like being a mom today. 

Honestly.

The toughest thing I've experienced in being a new mom isn't any one thing in particular -- I can deal with endless kamikaze poopings, I can deal with sleeplessness, I can deal with sore arms when I carry him and guilt when I don't -- but it's the constancy of it. Like being pregnant, being a mom would be so much easier if you could do it just six days out of seven, or even nine out of ten.

But ya can't. It doesn't work like that.

And I'm not even sure I would want it to. After all, I could take a break if I really needed it. I could go on a quick vacation somewhere, leaving hubby or the grandparents to look after the little one. I could ignore him a little more often. I could buy a TV. I could put him in daycare. But probably as a result of my 'attachment' parenting practices and beliefs, I don't even want to (...yet). I feel good when I get a short (2 hours max) daily break from the baby. But I don't feel good leaving him for any longer than that, or even for a full day with regular check-ins.

Dr. and Martha Sears talk about this 'feeling right' when you're with your baby in their lovely book The Attachment Parenting Book : A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby. It shouldn't surprise any of us that babies feel 'right' when they're with their primary caretaker. But what about when mamas need (though don't always want) to be with their babies? There's a certain snideness in our culture about 'clingy' parents. You hear it from kindergarten teachers who have to "shoo" the parents away on the kids' first day of school; I've heard it from obstetric nurses who laugh at new mamas who are reluctant to give up their newborns to the nursery "just so she can get a few hours of sleep!"

I know we shouldn't have kids to fill a hole within us. Kids are not designed to make their parents happy, and anyway, they never do. They are designed to be themselves -- infuriating, discomfort-producing, entirely lovable little beings. I worry about unconsciously crossing the line from healthy attachment into the territory of (s)mothering enmeshment. Co-dependency is the last thing I want. Connection, compassion and understanding are the first (it's a three-way tie).

In fact, like a true modern woman, I want it all ways. I want deep attachment (but not enmeshment!) and I want a kickass creatively powerful life. The only problem is... How? How do I know when to 'give in' and spend the day eliciting smiles from my baby, and when it would be wiser to spend that time working on my other creative projects?

I don't know. If I'm not working on 'my own stuff' (like, ahem, this blog post), I'm not happy to be a stay at home mom; if I'm not connecting well with my baby, what the f*ck am I doing writing this self-righteous parenting blog? It's a fine balance.

Anyway.

I highly recommend admitting that you're not feeling great about being a Mama on the days that you're not. It felt so good. Like that staple of professor office doors: 'Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.' Today I'm not The Best Mama. Today I'm not picking your spoon up off the floor after you've thrown it there for the fifth time, on purpose. I don't care if you have to eat the rest of your apple sauce with your hands. Today I'm Distracted, Irritable, Grouchy Mama. And I can't wait 'til it's your bedtime.

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