Discipline and Porridge: Breakfast At Our House

I was talking with my friend 'Arda' about discipline the other day. This is what I said.


I am in complete agreement with you about setting limits and boundaries and discipline. We do the world NO FAVOURS when we give in to their kids all the time, especially sons. Sometimes I feel like a real disciplinarian in contrast with other parents. I try to limit my 'nos' to things that are dangerous or disrespectful (as opposed to just unsightly or embarrassing for me - does it really make a difference to me if he dumps his porridge bowl onto his high chair tray? No, because I have to wash it anyway and he's a good eater. But if he dumps my bowl, or if I've asked him not to, well that's another matter). 

Because just that morning, this had happened.










Re-lactating: What am I going to do when my milk comes in?


Here are some musings about the nursing relationship: how it's been to be nursing a toddler, weaning a toddler, and what it might be like to also be nursing a newborn.


Sweet Baby James was exclusively breast-fed for the first 6 months of his life and didn't really start to consume much solid food until about a year old. He was a humungous baby, so that meant that we nursed almost constantly. It was rare to go more than an hour between feedings. It was a big part of our relationship. Since I carried him in the sling most of the time we were together, we got good at nursing in it and I was able to go about my daily life (shopping for groceries, talking with friends, hiking in the woods) while he suckled. Yes, being able to walk down the street nursing my baby made me feel like Superwoman.



I intended to nurse him until, "either he or I gets tired of or uncomfortable with it." Children's immune systems are not fully developed until about six years (not coincidentally, around the same time they lose their 'milk teeth') and I had no problem nursing him until then if it was still going well for both of us. But being pregnant, my milk has dried up completely - I'm now producing colostrum for the new baby, not milk for the toddler. My decision (which is actually our decision: mine, my husband's, and SBJ's) is whether or not to allow or encourage SBJ to nurse alongside the baby when my milk comes in. 

Part of me wants to because I think our toddler would like it, benefit from it health-wise, and perhaps bond with the baby a little better. There is no evidence to support the commonly held belief that a toddler will 'drink up all the milk - milk is produced on an as-need basis as hormones are released from the pituitary gland in response to suckling. The big birth blog that I write for (www.birthwithoutfearblog.com) also publishes a lot of beautiful photos of tandem nursing looking so maternal and sweet... I have a romantic notion about it, I guess. 

Part of me, however, does not want to. Up until a few months ago, I gave our son a LOT of boob. It's been nice to have my breasts back as my own. It's been a relief that I can change in front of him, bathe with him, sleep beside him, without hearing a fierce request (demand) for la-las. Being a toddler, he would pull my shirt down, grope me, and try to play with my nipples -- all of which I found annoying. And even some of my more natural-minded mama friends have said that once a kid is weened, it's best to just let sleeping nipples lie.

As always, my husband supports me in whatever I choose - but I know that he has appreciated being able to take SBJ for longer periods of time, bond with him in a closer way, and has enjoyed the benefits of having a wife who's not 'touched out' at the end of the day. To nurse or not to nurse, that is the question.


Tools over Toys

As you may know, my little tyke has some specialized interests.

Sweet Baby James doesn't like toys. He likes tools.

Tools for building, tools for destruction; tools for baking, tools for grooming. Anything that does something to something else resulting in a reduction in mechanical load is superior to him, and he would like one of his own, thank you very much.

The great thing about this interest is that I can satisfy it without actually spending any money or stepping foot in a Chemicals "R" Us toy emporium. We just scavenge the street (or papa's toolbox, or my art supplies) and find what we need. It's very eco-friendly.

But I am surprised at how persistent it is. It's not just hammers and blenders and saws. It's a subtle and pervasive inclination extending throughout every minute of SBJ's waking life. And when I look back I realize it's been like this for a long, long time.

Instead of playing with his toy animals, SBJ preferred to while away his bathing time by pouring water from one measuring cup into another. Over and over and over again. He's done it for at least 20 minutes a day, almost every day, for the past 18 months.

We took him to the Monterey Bay aquarium and he was most interested in the pedestrian gangplank they had recently built. It had rivets on it. Take that, jellyfish.

We took him camping and he would have spent all his time investigating a road gate with a lock on it if we hadn't decided to continue walking along the path to see how far we could get before he told us to wait up. We got pretty far.



When he was 10 months old he had a little dangly stuffed toy dog whom we called "Mr. Cratchers" (admittedly, a name better suited to a character in a horror movie, but new parents are funny like that). Mr. Cratchers was black and white and colourful all over. He had crinkly ears. He was designed to be attractive to humans with developing senses. He could be attached to any number of baby-holding devices through a green plastic claw. But to SBJ, the best part about Mr. Cratchers was not Mr. Cratchers himself. It was his tool of attachment.

We arrived in Palm Springs for a visit with my mom and step-dad last month. Within five minutes, SBJ had found the rental apartment's tool drawer, and was happily playing with their hammer, screw driver, and something styrofoam.



Just yesterday, I gave SBJ 1500 live ladybugs to disperse throughout the garden (they eat aphids and, hey, live ladybugs. From the internets!). He was kind of curious but so much more excited about the garden clippers I used to open the mesh sac in which they were delivered. So much.

And I was kind of sad about the ladybug thing. It's easy for me to get disappointed, especially when I've spent $75 on some stupid aquarium or harbored a romantic notion about looking up at the trees in wonder with my child. But it's just what parenting is. Constantly letting go of your preconceived notions. Meeting your kid where they're at.

Like, OK, so the only exciting thing about this paint set is that it can be broken up into small pieces and used as blender fodder. Fine. I personally would like to use it to paint something, but you see other, um, possibilities. The question is, how can I enjoy this game as it is, now?

And to appreciate the wonder that it is. Our babies growing into their personalities. SBJ with an artist mom, a physicist dad, a grandfather carpenter, two grandmother house-builders, and two great-grandfather engineers. His own genetic imprint coming to light, formidable and unstoppable.
He is the course of generations.

Yet also, entirely, himself.


Depressed or Just Pregnant?

I just wrote a paper called 'Drinking the Pregnancy Lemonade: Medical and Societal Denial of Prenatal Depression'. Part of the paper discussed the challenges of diagnosing depression in pregnant women, because of the overlap of symptoms. I thought you might find this interesting.



DSM-IV TR: Major Depressive Disorder vs. 

What to Expect When You're Expecting



Criteria: dysphoria and anhedonia...


Normal mood swings of depression can take your emotions places they've never gone before, both to exhilarating highs and depressive lows... Pregnancy can be a time of high anxiety... a certain amount of worry is normal, and probably unavoidable. (p.165)


..and four of the following every day for at least two weeks, combined with distress/impairment in functioning: Significant weight or appetite change,


From the fourth month on, start watching your weight
to make sure it begins to move upward at the appropriate rate...
(p. 181) 


Insomnia or hypersomnia,


Sleep problems are common in pregnancy, and...
may be good preparation for the sleepless nights that lie ahead once your baby arrives... (p. 204)


Psychomotor retardation or agitation,


15 percent or so of pregnant women...experience restless leg syndrome... (p. 289)


Fatigue or loss of energy,


Physical or mental fatigue can... exacerbate the symptoms of morning sickness
(conversely, severe morning sickness can increase fatigue). (p. 131)


Feelings of guilt or worthlessness,


Dreams of... being unprepared for the baby when he or she arrives can reveal the common fear that you're not up to being a mother... Dreaming about becoming unattractive or repulsive to your spouse...expresses the common fear that pregnancy will...
make you unappealing to your partner. (p. 292)


Reduced ability to think or concentrate,


Like numerous other symptoms, forgetfulness is caused by the hormonal changes of pregnancy. Sleep deprivation can also play a role (the less you sleep, the less you remember)... (p. 215)


Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.


Topping the list of most common concerns, understandably, is a fear of miscarriage.
Fortunately, most expectant worriers end up worrying unnecessarily. (p. 140)



Editing birth stories in my spare time.

Since I'm not on Facebook, and I'm not blogging very much, and I'm not tweeting hardly ever, and I haven't checked my phone messages in a week, I thought I'd let you know what we've been up to.

Zu is doing all his Zu stuff (cooking, cleaning, working full-time, putting out - being a good housewife), Tiyo is doing a lot of hammering and has learned a new word (starts with 'n', ends with 'o', www.thetuesdayphoto.wordpress.com), and I'm still seeing clients and doing my backlog of schoolwork editing birth stories. Yes, I think I have found my life's calling. I am a born birth-story editor. I love love love love it.

I've been working for January at Birth Without Fear, which is pretty much the best birth blog you'll ever lay eyes on (it even won an award!) and publishes several birth stories a week, usually on a daily basis. The idea is to build a repository of real birth experiences and a community of birth/health advocates, to bring some balance to the strange misconceptions our society has about birth, women's bodies, pregnancy, and how it should all be done lying down.

Lithotomy Position from The Business of Being Born doc

My job is to read women's stories, edit them for clarity and grammar, and insert the beautiful pictures that have been sent in. It's simple but it feels good, and it fits in well with the chaos of daily life around here. It's a job that can be done in fits and spurts, and I can leave it and pick up where I left off. Often, it makes me cry.

Here are some of the stories I've worked on:




I am consistently blown away by the strength of the women writing these stories, their love for their babies, and the commitment they have, often in the face of institutional disregard, to the birth process. Some have natural births, some have cesareans; some birth their babies alone in a tub of water and others invite their whole families. There is a range of possibilities for birth, but it always has the possibility of being a profound, spiritual experience. I haven't written up Sweet Baby James' birth story, but I'd better do it sometime in the next six months...

I've also been writing articles for Birth Without Fear, about the fear-mongering and faulty logic in anti-bed-sharing campaigns, the need to look after postpartum mothers, and the controversial Quebecois 'Moi Aussi, J'allaite' breastfeeding campaign.


Oh, and I starred in this independent film.



We don't need to teach our kids pretty much anything. And, a blog I love.




I read this in my inbox this morning. It's from nurshable.com, a blog I love. I don't agree with everything Sarah, the blogger, says, but she sure is one fantastic mom (see how that works? We are not the same person, but I like her anyway?). She took Google Adwords off her blog because there was no way to prevent creepy formula ads from showing up. And her posts show that real gut-level psychological insight that can be so lacking in parenting discussions.

Her blogs are all written as letters to her little ones (I think she has three, or something amazing like that). Writing to her 7 month-old daughter who was once classified as a picky eater (by others), she says,

"With your brothers when they started eating purees the food came out in their poop undigested. I was told that their systems were "just getting used to it". They would nurse constantly like they were going through a growth spurt as their bodies could make no use of the stuff that filled up their bellies and then they'd have to catch up with milk later. It felt completely wrong, but I figured it was like walking and it needed to be taught. See the problem there? Walking doesn't need to be taught either."


I couldn't agree more.

Pregnant and Friendless: On getting knocked up and quitting Facebook (again)

So. I have some news.

First, I'm pregnant. Second, and perhaps more life-changing, I'm leaving Facebook.

Let's start at the beginning: pregnant means we're expecting another baby! It might be a boy and it might be a girl! It might also be intersexed! I'm about 11 weeks, which means the little one should be arriving sometime in mid-May – perfect because that's when Zu's done teaching his classes and he's all mine for the rest of the summer. I'm excited for SBJ to have a younger sibling and, although it postpones my plans for world domination by at least two years, I feel blessed to have the chance to raise another baby. This time, I know what I'm doing.

Right.

And Facebook - dear, darling, Facebook. How I have loved thee... I used to be a huge Facebook supporter.
I wouldn't have my baby, my foetus, or my husband if it weren't for Facebook. He was an acquaintance I tagged in a picture of graffiti. Then he moved to Montreal.
I've loved connecting with old friends and teachers I surely would always otherwise have wondered about.
Through it, I managed and promoted Studio Béluga, a 'self-pedagogical creative community' in a warehouse in St. Henri, and it was amazing.
I was an active member of several mommy-groups, and I learned so much about pregnancy, birth, parenting and group dynamics. I also made some good (but alas, digital) friends.

But now I'm not promoting or managing anything (except my toddler). I'm not looking for a mate (or, more accurately, teasing good-looking bald writers who live in New York). I got bored with my mommy-groups at about the 50th conversation about when to introduce solids; and the old friends and teachers, well... I will miss them.

I've been off Facebook for more than a week and here's what I don't miss:

  • Hearing, on a daily basis, about the bad things people do to their kids. No, I don't think it's OK to leave your child crying for five hours. Sorry.
  • Overwrought conversations about American politics, vaccines, autism, the supposed (and debunked) connection between vaccines and autism, how mental illness should be managed entirely through herbs and positive thinking, how ADHD 'doesn't exist' and how pregnant women should not be allowed to drink coffee. Even decaf, "because of the chemicals".
  • Somehow not ever receiving my closest friends' notifications. At some point, Facebook decided that I'm a MOMMYMOMMOM (how could this be? ....) and began to exclusively update me about other moms on my friendslist. It's fun to know that the girl in your grade 10 English class has two kids and lives in the UK; it's fun to see how other moms are living out their lives in perfect Pinterest fashion, and it's fun just to know you're not the only middle-class mom in America who does not have an irrational fear of her toddler starving to death. But most of the people I really wanted to hear about - the old roommates, the artists, the adventurers, those who dwell in my heart - don't have kids yet. This doesn't make them less interesting to me, but Fb never seemed to get it.
  • The best self phenomenon. They say that people only portray their best selves on Fb, and that this makes everyone else feel insecure and unhappy. But I think the truth is the inverse: it's not that people are reluctant to admit that anything is wrong in their lives; it's that doing so is seen by the Fb community as inappropriate, kind of... gauche. Like, don't share that on here, I'm looking at pictures of cats stuck in window blinds. 

    The Fb environment encourages - nay, demands! - your 'Best Self'. A significant moment in my falling out of love with Facebook: I had to take my newborn into Children's Hospital for surgery on not one but two hernias. Given the mounds of love we'd received in announcing his birth and posting his pictures (hundreds of likes! I was so touched!), I expected people to be worried. You know, post some sympathy. I got one compassionate message, and a dear friend sent us a delivery gift basket. But overall (aside from a joke, 'was he moving furniture?', and, yes, a few condolences) the silence was deafening. And here's the rub: I know that each and every person who congratulated me on SBJ's birth would be sympathetic and supportive if I called them up and said he was in the hospital for surgery – but when your little one's intestines are protruding in a mass (two masses!) outside of his belly, it's just not something to talk about on Fb. This sucks.


There was a time when Facebook was 'right' for me. I don't expect all my friends to quit. But can I tell you what I really think about it? Will you get offended?




I think an active Facebook page and a spiritual life are mutually exclusive. I'm not entirely sure of the mechanism behind it (does it change your brain and the kind of stimulation you need in order to feel alive? Does it simply take up all your 'free' time that would otherwise be spent in spiritually fulfilling tasks?) but a few ex-Facebookers I've spoken to have also found this to be true. You can't 'like' the divine, and you can't 'share' your way to Nirvana.

Technically, it need not be. Technically, I should still be able to meditate, breathe deeply, go for walks, dream, journal, pray, and be fully present with my loved ones even if I spend an hour or more on Facebook each day. But it doesn't happen.

In the first week I was off Facebook I got a lot of tasks done. I started making a list of all the awesomeness I was experiencing IRL (crepes, bread pudding, pumpkin carving, laundry...) but the most important change has been deeper. My dream life. I hadn't really had profound dreams for at least a few years, and I was secretly blaming it on motherhood ("What happens to the dreams of sleep-deprived new mothers? Where do they go?" - Adrienne Rich), or just being happier and more settled in my life. I was secretly a little worried.

But now, without the Fb chatter, my subconscious mind is doing things again. Lots of problem-solving and plot-lines based loosely on The Wire, but also some deeper stuff: a week ago I had a dream that I came to peace with an old ex (and met his new love. She's a little young but a lot amazing!), and last night, with a former co-worker (we shopped for earrings). I think this is a good thing. When I look back at my life, this is what I want to see. I want more of this...



And less of this.



I miss my Fb life. Since I'm planning to keep my profile up so that people won't think I've de-friended them, it sometimes feels like a whole other Svea is carrying out a whole other life somewhere else. It's strange to know that my data is still being kept and my newsfeed is still being generated. All just waiting for the day when I cave and come back. Because, you know...






I'm not the first person to leave Facebook. At least two other people have done so:









Shibori Healing - Group Therapy for Mothers Pregnant After Loss

I just got back from my second residency at Goddard College, Vermont. I'm doing an MA in Counseling and Psychology (to complement the diploma in psychotherapy I finally completed this summer) and it's pretty much the best thing ever.

My advisor, Wendy Phillips, is an intellectual badass and heartbreaking visual artist. She curates an art show each residency to showcase the work of students throughout the program. Because the program is so very much DIY, there's room for creative work in a way that I haven't found anywhere else in academia. As Wendy says, "I keep thinking they're going to come in and tell me 'You can't do that!' But they haven't yet..."

I exhibited a prototype from a workshop I designed last semester in my course on group therapy. You may have noticed I'm interested in maternal health (ya don't say?), so I wrote my final paper on this idea: designing a hands-on workshop for mothers pregnant after experiencing loss. The product of the workshop would be a baby-carrier, dyed through the traditional Japanese art of Shibori.

Shrouded Shibori by Holly Brackmann


Social support is so important in facilitating the movement through grief. And I feel that the process of working with textiles is something akin to the process of creating a baby: painstaking in one way and yet so comforting as well; following a pre-determined design but also touching an element of the unknown; and in its cultural coding, entirely feminine.

I posted a link to my residency write-up on my Fb page and there was some interest in reading a bit more about this project. So here's the paper I wrote, interspersed with some screenshots for the workshop, which will probably never happen but was really fun to write about.



Shibori Healing: Textile-Based Group Therapy for Mothers



Introduction:
The relationship between parent and child is one of inter-dependence and shared identity; the grief experienced from its loss is almost necessarily 'pathological' in nature (Rando, 1993). Perinatal death (the loss of a child1 at or around the time of childbirth) is experienced by the parents as a profound tragedy with existential ramifications reaching the very core of self-understanding (Taubman-Ben-Ari & Katz-Ben-Ami, 2008). Societal treatment of parents who have lost an infant, however, does not often acknowledge the magnitude of this grief (Rando, 1993). In addition to the pain of loss, mothers report feeling stressed, isolated, and misunderstood.
The situation becomes further complicated when a mother who is suffering from perinatal loss becomes pregnant again. Carrying her 'Rainbow baby' within her, she may experience relief from some of the most severe symptoms of her grief; relief may also bring guilt. Outsiders might congratulate her on 'becoming a mother again' or anxiously refrain from discussing her past pregnancy for fear of causing 'bad luck'. Extra medical attention may feel warranted, or it may increase her anxiety. She may worry that she will not be able to bond with her child.
The intersection of stress and joy at the prospect of a new child, and remaining grief and fear from the loss of a previous one, is an area particularly dense with psychological need. Therapy designed specifically for mothers in this situation, however, is almost nonexistent. The benefits of designing an effective therapy for this population could have long-term positive effects: the anxiety and depression experienced by mothers after perinatal loss can also interfere with their level and style of attachment to the new child (Gaudet, 2010). Mothers who receive counseling and social support undergo shortened bereavement reactions after perinatal death (Forest, Standish, & Baum, 1982). Therapies that address this issue with mothers pregnant again may enhance their abilities to relate with their children.



Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Terminology
"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope (starwarsmama, 2010).

The terminology used to describe a deceased child is laden with emotion, reflecting the light through which the speaker wishes both the child and their passing to be seen. One comment thread recently posted in the Facebook group, 'Defiling Photos of Dead Babies is NOT ART!' (created by a bereaved mother with the intention of pressuring the creator of the 'Stillborn in th3 USA' series to redact and apologize for her work), discussed the issue of the group's title. A group member took exception to it, stating that, “I am only speaking for myself but the name of this group bothers me in that its name contains the phrase "dead babies" which I find offensive. My child may have died but I would never refer to her as my dead baby” (Leif, 2012).
The term 'rainbow baby' is used to denote a child born after parents' previous experience of the loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or other fatality. Like 'angel baby' (a deceased child), the term is ambivalent, referring both to joy and grief. Mothers use it to express the healing power of re-engaging in processes of child conception, childbirth, and child-rearing.
The term, however, has not been adopted by medical professionals, who seem more likely to use the rainbow metaphor to market their services as child-friendly (e.g. the University Hospitals 'Rainbow Babies and Children's Hospital' in Cleveland, OH) or in reference to the adopted children of LGBTQ couples. Even within parenting loss support groups, the rainbow metaphor has its detractors. Some Christian mothers find it denies the goodness of God; others find its additional association with LGBTQ causes distressing.
Uses of 'Rainbow baby' must also be seen within the context they occur: the lexicon of parenting groups, many of which use a register that is cutesy and decidedly non-medical. For example, other terms include, 'BFP' (Big Fat Positive, a positive pregnancy test), 'Sticky dust' (wishes or prayers for a healthy pregnancy not leading to miscarriage or loss) and 'DTBD' (Doing the Baby Dance, or having sex). The success of these parenting groups may indicate that American women feel a need to pursue advice and support regarding reproduction outside of the medical field.




Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Ostracism
I'm sorry you can't see him, but I feel him always, all around me. He's definitely here. I'm not contagious. It doesn't rub off. Why do people freak out when Caleb's name is brought up? Why do certain members of my family completely ignore he ever existed? Why have long time friends just up and block [sic] me from their lives? I don't believe I've been a self pity party. I think I've done quite well. So what's the big deal? Everyone freaked out about death that much? (Evans, 2012)

The social isolation that often accompanies the loss of an infant can have devastating effects (Doka, 1989). Parents experiencing intense grief without knowledgeable support can feel that they are losing their minds (Rando, 1993). The dramatic change in social role that accompanies pregnancy (Taubman-Ben-Ari & Katz-Ben-Ami, 2008) and its subsequent loss in the case of perinatal death can lead to uncertainty as to how to interact with the world (Gaudet, 2010). It has been hypothesized that strangers, friends, and even close family members do not develop the same kind of attachment with a child in-utero as the parents (Rando, 1993). Thus, their need to grieve the loss of their unborn or stillborn child is never fully understood.



Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Depression and Attachment
It's rough but we're just trying to get by. I think it will be harder on me as it gets closer to February and...[our earlier son's] birth/death date, and when (if) I'm in the 3rd trimester or whatnot - just movement might be hard. I may have a really hard time "bonding" with the pregnancy, for sure. I think i might really hold back (ekandrmkb, 2011).

While it is important and valuable to provide emotional support for grieving parents, efforts to address the emotional complications present in post-loss pregnancies also have a broader significance. Infants of mothers with clinical depression, particularly during the last trimester, are more likely to show disordered capacity for neurorelugation (Goodman, Rouse, Long, Ji, & Brand, 2011; Glover, Bergman, & O’Connor, 2008) marked by infant disorganization and fussiness in general (Hart, Field, & Roitfarb, 1999; Lundy et al., 1999; Zuckerman, Bauchner, Parker, & Cabral, 1990).
This can set a negative stream of interactions in motion, as emotionally withdrawn post-loss mothers face the additional challenge of bonding with a fussy baby (Goodman, Rouse, Long, Ji, & Brand, 2011). Some researchers (ibid.) have recommended that healthcare providers monitor women they perceive to be at greater risk for antenatal depression, assessing their infants for fussiness and helping mothers learn coping and calming mechanisms in caring for their newborns.



Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Medical Management:
When I labored with my first I was told I was incapable, that my body “couldn’t” do it, that my contractions were inadequate, that I wasn’t dilating fast enough, then that I couldn’t push him out. I was forced to have medicine that almost killed him by putting him into severe distress, then I was forced to have him cut and sucked out of me because of my “inadequacy” (Renee, 2011).

Women with access to healthcare are often monitored more closely in post-loss pregnancies. In many cases, the causes of previous stillbirth or miscarriage remain unknown and the medical management of the subsequent pregnancy is pervasive, conducted as a matter of course. Women have conflicting feelings about this management (e.g. LRusso, 2012; Renee, 2011). Some find that increased management allays some of their fears and validates their efforts to provide a safe environment for foetal growth (LRusso, 2012). Others find it invasive, exacerbating their fears of worst-case scenarios (Renee, 2011). And still others feel that their pregnancy is not being monitored closely enough.
Like patients with medical illness, pregnant women interface with medical procedures and professionals on a regular basis. Their feelings about this involvement must be taken into account in the design of further healthcare therapies, including psychological work.



Issues Associated with Carrying a Rainbow Baby: Pregnancy as a 'Coping Mechanism':
I don't know if since Carys' arrival if I have had much time to remember Jayne, of course I still think about her every day, but Carys keeps me so busy, I'm not sure I'm able to continue to process the grief in the same way. Is this a good thing? Is this the next stage, integrating Jayne into a family that's here with me? Or ought I to make a space for my relationship with Jayne? A time for just me and her? How does anyone else manage mothering rainbows and angels?(JulyBaby, 2010)
Little or no research has been conducted into the reasons behind and factors contributing to the decision to have another child after perinatal loss. While there are mental health contra-indications for becoming pregnant soon after, such as increased risk for anxio-depressive symptoms (Gaudet, 2010; Forest, Standish, & Baum, 1982), an estimated 86% of women become pregnant again within 18 months of suffering perinatal loss (Cuisinier, Janssen, Degraauw, Bakker and Ogduin, 1996). Many women fare better having devoted more time and energy to exclusively grieving a lost infant (Forest et al., 1982); but most do not take this path.
Research literature frames quick re-engagement with the reproductive process as a 'coping mechanism' (Gaudet, 2010; Wolff, Neilson and Schiller, 1970) with a risk of 'replacement baby syndrome' (Gaudet, 2010). Pregnancy after loss may in fact be an added complication in an already labyrinthine grieving process (O'Leary, 2004). It has been found to dampen some aspects of grief, including the loss of self-perception as mother, the loss of social role as mother, and guilt (Lin & Lasker, 1996; Theut, Zaslow, Rabinovich, Bartko & Morihisa, 1990).
Women in online support groups almost universally agree that the decision of when or if to have another child is a complex and personal one. The very concept of 'rainbow baby' indicates that the mother may currently be experiencing intense grief while also welcoming a new child into her life. The belief that the next pregnancy should come only after the first loss has been 'fully grieved' is one that is found more frequently within the medical literature (O'Leary, 2004; Côte-Arsenault, 1995) than the statements or actions of mothers themselves.
And yet, healthcare professionals continue to make that recommendation (Gaudet, 2010; Forest et al., 1982). Such statements about the morality of reproduction (who has a right to bear children, through what means, and with what frequency) are often perceived differently from the perspectives of a healthcare provider and a patient. An assumption that women are persons with agency should lead healthcare providers to facilitate women's choices instead of dictating them. Therapeutic support for the vast majority of women who are pregnant soon after loss is an ethical imperative.



Shibori Healing Group Worksop: Overview
This paper accompanies an eight-session workshop entitled 'Shibori Healing: Textile-based Group Therapy for Mothers'. In this short-term therapy, pregnant women who have previously experienced perinatal loss are encouraged to discuss, learn about, and support others in the various elements of the grieving process. At the same time, they are encouraged to look forward to meeting and raising their new child, to foster an attachment with him/her, and to consider how their experience with loss will both present challenges and provide special meaning to the process of raising a child.
The workshop takes its cues from other support groups (Alcoholics Anonymous, Mothers Against Drunk Driving) but asks questions more often heard in interactional group settings, such as those of an existential nature (Yalom, 2005). 'Shibori Healing' does not rely on the agenda-like structures often used to facilitate support groups; instead, it makes use of the long-standing tradition of communal women's work. Shibori is an ancient Japanese cloth dying technique which is process-intensive and yet easy to learn. With each workshop session, participants are invited to learn and talk about suggested topics while they work on their pieces.
While the technique of Shibori dying does not have special significance to this topic, the assigned textile piece connects intimately with attachment and hope: participants create a baby-carrier for their new infant. 'Babywearing' is both a traditional and contemporary practice which has been shown to increase levels of bonding and attunement between parent and infant (Johnson, 2010; Anisfeld, Casper, Nozyce, & Cunningham, 1990). It is hoped that the act of creating a simple carrier within a safe and supportive female community will foster trust, self-confidence, and a feeling of belonging. The tangible product produced at the end of the workshop may also be experienced as an expression of the participant's growing confidence that the child in-utero will soon be held closely within it.
Reflecting the popularity of online support groups addressing all issues of parenthood, 'Shibori Healing' also takes advantage of the advent of social media. A private online discussion group specifically designed for workshop participants will be made available, lightly moderated on a daily basis by the workshop facilitator. According to statements made online, mothers who participate in online groups designed to support them through perinatal loss often experience them as life-changing, in some ways more intimate than their relationships 'IRL' (In Real Life) (Evans, 2010). It is hoped that the online group will provide another avenue for social support.



Shibori Healing Group Workshop: Technology
People who were once my friends have pushed themselves away because they don’t know what to say, they don’t know how to act. Normal activities like taking a shower, eating and driving to work are no longer the same. But then, God sent me gifts...Friends who really get it. Friends who understand how it feels. And although I would never wish this upon anyone, I am elated to have met some of the incredibly amazing women who have been sent to me...By forming these exceptionally strong bonds with women I have never met, we are honoring our babies. We are celebrating their lives and we are each strengthened by one another (Evans, 2012).

The rise of social media has impacted the normal process of grieving for a lost child. While parents continue to face the challenge of social awkwardness and even ostracism from their friends and family (Rando, 1984), they now have the option of participating in one of hundreds of online parenting and grieving support groups. Many of these groups have secondary affiliations through which parents can further connect and receive support: religious beliefs, the age at which the child died, or the means through which the death occurred. Participants are encouraged to discuss the details of their child's death, the ways they experience and cope with grief, and post pictures of their deceased children.
Almost all of these groups explicitly share the intention of supporting members in their grieving process, helping them to feel that their grief is accepted and validated.2 Stories of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death are often greeted with long comments of commiseration, transcriptions of prayers made on the initial poster's behalf, and stories of healing from mothers who have experienced the same. These new networks of support offer help in the form of suggestions for burial rituals, trained volunteer guidance, pen-pals and intangible, technologically-mediated human comfort.



Shibori Healing Group Workshop: The Value(s) of Cloth
Cloth, by its very nature and function, occupies the transitional space between the boundary of the self and the other, individual and social, private and public. For the newborn infant, cloth literally becomes a secondary holding environment, and the first experience of feeling mother; of comfort, safety, and warmth… or lack thereof. For this reason, textiles provide what Bion and Winnicott termed a ‘containing environment’. In psychological terms it is this environment, usually created by the parents, where the infant feels held by another (Kalaba, 2011).

The practice of 'babywearing' has been shown to enhance attachment between infants and caregivers (Johnson, 2010; Anisfeld, Casper, Nozyce, & Cunningham, 1990). The carrier produced in this workshop is simply a rectangle of cloth held together by two rings. While participants will be encouraged to become acquainted with and consider using the practice, babywearing itself is optional. The simplicity of this carrier's design allows the cloth to be used for other nurturing purposes: to swaddle the infant (which could help to calm infants perhaps in extra needs of such containment, if their mothers experience pre-natal depression, as discussed above); to keep the infant warm; to reduce distraction during breast feeding if the mother chooses to do so; and so on.
Traditionally, 'women's work' in the Western world has engaged with cloth, producing textile-based objects imbued with psychological meaning. This has been done through the communal and hands-on production of crafts, clothing, and house décor. The modern stereotype of a mother endlessly and endearingly attached to cloth items of special significance, such as an infant's first outfit, may be seen as a continuation of this tradition.
While Winnicott (1957) first touched on the psychological importance of its nurturing, corporeal nature, psychology as a discipline has shied away from studies of cloth. The use of textiles in supporting people through grief has been left to the exploration of community-based projects, most often run by women who have themselves experienced loss. Little Angels Hankies, in which a handkerchief is embroidered with the name of a lost child and then sent to the grieving family free of cost, is one example. Collecting Loss, in which family members contribute clothing worn by a deceased loved one for public exhibition is another.
The use of cloth in 'Shibori Healing' is an effort to continue this small body of work. It is hoped that engagement with textile production will help participants to deeply and tactically engage with the concepts most difficult for mothers who have suffered loss: the felt sense of being a mother; the urge to both create and inhabit safe, womb-like spaces; and the desire to hold a healthy baby in her arms.



Shibori Healing Workshop: The Importance of Group
The group format of this workshop was selected for a number of reasons. The first is simple social validation: participants will be exposed to others experiencing many of the same events (what Yalom (2005) calls the 'principle of universality'). Through this, participants experience a reduction in feelings of isolation and anxiety. The second reason is community.
Historically, Western women engaged in manual labour in close proximity to each other. Time spent with close female kin allowed the transfer of traditional knowledge (Gorer, 1949), especially with regard to parenting techniques and values. Current cultural fragmentation and industrial advances have made this forum all but impossible. The proliferation of online mothers' forums demonstrates that modern women need social advice-giving and support forums (both online and in real life) more than ever. Lastly, the group format has been found to be particularly helpful in addressing existential concerns (Yalom, 2005).
Some theorists have posited that mothering an infant serves not only to transform a woman into a mother, but also as a buffer against her natural death anxiety (Taubman-Ben-Ari & Katz-Ben-Ami, 2008; Deutsch, 1945). The experience of birth itself increases a mother's access to her unconscious ideas about death (Westbrook, 1978). With the loss of a child, the mother is thus forced to confront mortality in a number of ways. Yalom (2005) explains that group therapy has a special ability to deal with such existential issues, helping participants to recognize that, “...life is at times unfair and unjust...ultimately there is no escape from some of life's pain or from death” (98). The chance to face these issues not in isolation, but in a supportive group setting, could be helpful for grieving parents.



Conclusion:
'Shibori Healing' was initially intended to fit within the framework of therapeutic expressive arts therapeutic, as put forth by Paulo Knill, Ellen Levine and Stephen Levine (2005). But in this workshop, the visual elements of the cloth dyed and sewn are not considered the expression of inner psychological workings. On further reflection, it was understood that 'Shibori Healing' and perhaps therapeutic work in producing textiles in general, speaks to a different understanding.
The production of textiles almost always involves repetition and the fulfillment of a predetermined design. In 'Shibori Healing', the emphasis is put on repetitive, body-based tasks intended to allow space and time for psychological transformations to occur. These transformations can then be expressed and integrated in other areas of the client's life, but are not likely to be evident in the patterns of the shibori cloth itself. The product of this therapy is both functional and relational: loss experienced in the past is carried forward, embedded within an object that can also carry new life.





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1Throughout this paper, the term 'child' is used to refer to foetuses, infants, and small children. This usage is not intended to make a political statement on the beginning of life or the value of reproductive choices; it simply reflects the expression of women participating in online forums through which much of the research for this paper was conducted.

2The willingness to respect the boundaries of group members, however, is not universal. It recently came to light that a visual artist in Louisiana had downloaded and edited pictures of stillborn infants with words such as 'sexy' and 'best friends!' for her piece, 'Stillborn in th3 USA'. Though she had taken images from publicly available sources, as most online images are easily downloadable for the use of anyone who wishes to – the news was reacted to with outrage, calls to news stations, and the eventual hacking of her site such that it could not display her work. The level of rage directed at this artist and her piece corresponds with the level of support offered to women who have suffered loss.