Some of you may have thought I dropped off the face of the planet. Although sometimes I wish I could say this were true (or at least dropped to a well hidden area of the earth with bathroom doors that locked and silent bubble baths all to oneself...), in this particular case its not - I am still here. Just in a lesser capacity.
The past month I have been hit with a
shitstorm plethora of events, appointments, final exams and sicknesses that would rival the schedule of any superhero overstressed, under slept, possibly over-caffienated parent with three children, two jobs and a master's degree underway. So as such, and to prove that I am not completely negligent of my blog updates, and because its one of the all time favorite topics of parents, I have decided to include a post specifically dedicated to poop. Yes poop. Just a few things I learned along the way, spanning 3 lovely spirited children.
1. Poop at certain points has the velocity of a fire hose: And yes it can almost reach the same distance. I kid you not. This is something you may particularly want to watch out for when unsuspectingly opening a diaper in the only existing, very small, very cramped, Doctor's office bathroom after doing the sniff and check test. Imagine something similar to the projectile vomiting scene in the Excorcist - only poop. Everywhere. Including the ceiling.
2. Use your pooptuition: You know that little voice in your head that tells you that there's a chance that a poop is on its way? In the particular case in which blueberries are involved, I would say its a good chance you may want to listen to that suspicion - especially when you might happen to have your baby on a newly installed fresh, lush (expensive looking) green carpet of a newly renovated bed and breakfast you might happen to be visiting while celebrating your anniversary.
3. Poop makes a great medium for creating artworks: Usually these types of creative endeavours are self restricted to the walls and floor of ones bedroom, and appear to mainly be inspired by the rising sun (or nap time creativity spurs). On the plus side poop murals tend to be a sign of creative genius.
4. Poop Floats: Generally speaking, if during the traditional bath time hair rinsing you see something akin to a brown submarine float by and are unsure where that bath toy might have come from - don't pick it up, its not a toy....
5. Poop Travels: Poop travels everywhere, and it doesn't care how it gets there either - coach or first class, you can be sure that you will encounter a poosplosion at some point in your child's life. The kind that blows the diaper off and continues up the back of the shirt to the hair (yes hair), and out the pant legs (or at least you hope your child is wearing pants and not a sleeper when this happens....)
6. You cannot escape parenthood without being pooped on: Are you one of those people that post baby got squeamish and never owned a dog because you hated the thought of picking up dog poop? Ha! Welcome to parenthood.
The funny thing is, once you become a parent you can tackle anything because it's the poop that helps you overcome adversity. Yes it has that ability. Once you've cleaned your umpteenth diaper, or your 5 millionth poop mural, or had the joy of the baby farting while taking a bath together (only it wasn't a fart), you can conquer the world! The best part: there's a whole community of people just like you. To talk about and be just as excited, shocked, dismayed and horrified by the enigmatic nature of poop. At least all the cool kids are.